Videogum

I Love Money: Puke And Cry

After Pumkin sent Chance home last week, it’s hard to root for anyone on I Love Money. On the one hand, it makes the show harder to watch because it should be called Who Cares? Money. But on the other hand, it’s very exciting because it’s really anyone’s game. No one has the advantage. This week’s episode begins where last week left off: with Real and the rest of the remaining Stallionaires threatening to murder Pumkin or something. Real tells Pumkin that he’s “headhunting” her. So, Pumkin better sleep with one eye open or else she might wake up with a bigger salary and a better title.

The competition this week takes place in the town square of some small, Mexican city. That is one of the worst parts of this show, that we are foisting it on other people. Mexico has its own problems, it doesn’t need this shit. Anyway, the game is supposed to have something to do with all of the different trips that people have taken on the other Love shows, so two people from each team have to drag a sled carrying two other people from that team, around the town square, and at every corner they need to eat plates of foreign and/or Las Vegas food. SPOILER ALERT barf time. There is lots of running and screaming and Rodeo tries to throw the game for some reason, and the Green Team wins for the first time in weeks, and then there is literally just five minutes of barfing. You know, some people say of shows like these that they have too much self-respect to debase themselves on national television just for the chance to win $250,000. I say why even let it get that far. I have too much respect for myself to eat macaroni salad on national TV.

So, the Gold Team has to choose three people to put up for elimination. They choose Rodeo and Hoopz, both of whom are in league with the Green Team, and then Toastee puts herself up as the third. Rodeo gets mad that she was put up for elimination, even though she obviously threw the game for her team, because she was baking 12 Pack a cake for his birthday, and how could he vote for her to be eliminated when she was baking him a cake? Except that it’s not like we don’t actually get to see the cake, which is three tubes of Pilsbury cookie dough, smooshed out on a cookie sheet? Rodeo needs to pack her knives and shut up.

At the power hour where the three eliminees get to plead their case to the Paymaster, Megan, who’s representing the Green Team, makes them all explain why they should be kept in the game to Lilly, her mentally disabled (seriously) dog. Everyone plays along, expecially Rodeo who actually cries. Cries while talking to a mentally disabled dog. Although, to be fair, in an interview she says that she came to the show with only 100 dollars in her pocket (?) and that if she leaves her she doesn’t know what it’s going to mean for her barbecue sauce. So, you know. There’s that. Megan asks Hoopz and Toastee to excuse her and Rodeo for some one-on-one time in which she confronts Rodeo about the fact that Rodeo hates her. Rodeo does some serious back-pedaling. It’s beautiful. When they get back to the house, everyone is telling Megan to eliminate Hoopz, but she doesn’t want to because she has a crush on White Boy, and White Boy wants Hoopz to stay to maintain his alliance. White Boy wants Megan to eliminate Toastee. SPOILER ALERT no one cares whether or not Megan eliminates Rodeo.

Megan eliminates Rodeo. But not before giving an amazing speech.

Amazing. Megan rules with an iron vagina in a velvet bikini.

As she leaves, Rodeo keeps talking about “her fans” and how she hopes “her fans” don’t think that she failed, and how she hopes that her time on the show proved to “her fans” that they can do anything they set out to do. The thing that’s sad about this is that if Rodeo did have fans they would think that she had failed, and they would not believe that you can do anything you set out to do because you might get eliminated instead, but she doesn’t have fans, so I guess it evens out to one big nothing.