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Nicolas Cage Is A Powerful Deterrent

In CASTING NEWS today, it’s been confirmed that Nicolas Cage will be starring in a movie called Scared Straight, which has, quite easily, the most hilarious premise for any movie ever. From the Hollywood Reporter:

“Straight” follows a troubled youth who’s sent to prison off the Scared Straight crime-prevention program, which imprisons delinquent teens for a short period in the hopes of deterring them from a life of crime. While the teen is there, a riot breaks out and the prisoners take him hostage. A lifer, played by Cage, is forced to help the young man out.

Cramazing. Simply cramazing. Let me get this straight, Weirdowood, you’ve combined Con Air, Shawshank Redemption, The Breakfast Club, and Benji the Hunted into one movie? And you’ve secured a professional wig model for one of the lead roles? Someone start up the money machine, we’re going to need more billions.

After the jump, we’ve got an exclusive look at one of the riveting scenes from Scared Straight.

INT. PRISON – DAY

A huge prison riot is going crazy. T-BONE (Cage) grabs the STUDENT and pulls him out of the cafeteria, which has erupted into uncontrollable violence. In a VOICE OVER we hear one of the inmates say “That’s not a cafeteria, it’s a slaughterhouse!” And they are right.

T-BONE
Don’t worry, I’m going to help you.

STUDENT
But you’re a hardened criminal!

T-BONE
Everyone makes mistakes, kid. The only difference is, I’ve learned from mine.

STUDENT
I won’t do anymore drugs or crimes!

T-Bone and the Student high-five. Someone shivs the Student. T-Bone wrestles THE ATTACKER, and kills him by driving a sharpened toothbrush and cellophane shank through his eye.

A five minute MONTAGE explains the differences between a shiv and a shank.

T-Bone, covered in blood, sits back and looks down at the dead man’s face.

T-BONE
Class dismissed.

In related news, remember this?

It’s great!