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Audrina Patridge Has A Blog

Audrina Patridge has a blog! So what! To be fair, of all the people on The Hills, Audrina is the most interesting. She’s kind of nice, and she’s kind of pretty, but she’s not that nice, and she’s not that pretty. Also she does a pretty good job of disguising her fame cravings, unlike, say, Stephanie Pratt, who’s constantly got a look in her eye like “Who Can I Eat, Literally, To Get My Own TV Show.” That’s how she thinks it works. You simply eat another human being and then all the flag-grabbing competitions and model mansion living is yours.

So, Audrina has a blog now, and it’s mostly what you would expect. Beauty tips and paparazzi photos. Finally, a repository for Audrina Patridge paparazzi photos. Now I can delete a whole folder in my RSS reader of blogs that ONLY OCCASIONALLY posted photos of her. Sorry, guys, I’m going straight to the source! There’s one post called “My Closet Is A Disaster,” and it has a picture of Audrina in her closet, and it’s such a mess. HAHAHAHAHA. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? It’s probably so messy because of all the free stuff she gets. What a great blog. The ad in the sidebar is for Prilosec, a heartburn medication. FACT.

One feature of the blog, though, strikes me as a bit disingenuous, and if there’s one thing that’s sacred in the blogopolis, it’s honesty (and humiliation, but we’ve covered that with the heartburn ads). It’s the feature called Ask Audrina, in which readers can submit questions for the super-respectable role model. Sure. Everyone should probably take advice from someone who barely seems to have the intellectual engagement with the world required to tie a pair of shoelaces. The problem, though, is that her advice is just so blatantly false. If you look at another great role model like Spencer Pratt, he’s a straight shooter. When someone asks him how to approach the subject of anal sex with their partner, he says to stick a finger in their butt and see what happens. Fair enough. Audrina’s advice, on the other hand, is just lies.

Audrina,

I wanna know how you stay so skinny. Do you eat only healthy food and exercise daily? or are you just naturally thin?

Karina K.

Good question, Karina. I’m going to assume that the answer is “I only drink vodka when I go out, and I do a lot of crying.”

Karina,

I am naturally thin and always have been since I was a little girl. I eat whatever I want, just in moderation. I drink a lot of water. I eat a lot of fruit, veggies and sushi. As far as exercising I am always on the go. When I get a chance I swim, dance, and hike. I love to do things outside, so in the summer I’ll go to the beach and play volleyball or go kayaking or running on the beach. I also love kickboxing, tennis and riding bikes. xo!

Even this answer is still ridiculous. “I’m naturally thin, so I just eat really light, like a person on a starvation diet, and exercise constantly. That’s it!”

Audrina,

I admire that you don’t care what anyone else thinks……how did you get that way? Any advice for me?

Nikki W.

“Well, Nikki, I’ve discovered that the key to not caring what people think of you, is to get paid a couple hundred thousand dollars a year and use the money to forget the crushing abyss of your own vaccous soul. Try it and let me know what you think!” Right, Audrina?

Nikki,

You just have to believe in yourself and surround yourself with loved ones with positive energy. There are always going to be people judging you and your decisions, looks and such, but at the end of the day no one is perfect. You have to live in the moment and make the best of it. Dance like no one’s watching!! :) xo!

Oh, OK. Couple of typos in your answer, though, Auds. I think you meant to say “you have to live in the scripted moment,” and also “dance like 3.9 million 12-34 year-old women are always watching.”

Audrina,

I just wanna ask you: what is your best prom-tip? I’m having my first prom in June.

-Alexis

Oh, this is an easy one. Morning after pill. You’re welcome.

Alexis,

Go with someone who is a close friend that you feel comfortable with and can have a great time along with all your girlfriends! Make it a big group excursion and get ready with your girlies! Take tons of pictures and dance until the lights come on! And don’t forget to try and break those heels in a few weeks before so your feet aren’t killing you! xo!

Audrina Patridge is a fucking liar.