Let’s Buy Steven Soderbergh’s Che, You Guys

There’s an article in the Hollywood Reporter today about how tight the indie film market has gotten when it comes to finding a distributor, as evidenced by the difficulty three films faced at this year’s Cannes Festival:

NEW YORK — At May’s Festival de Cannes, buyers rushed to see the latest work from three American auteurs: Steven Soderbergh’s “Che,” James Gray’s “Two Lovers” and Charlie Kaufman’s “Synecdoche, New York.” But the fest ended without any of the films clinching a U.S. sale.

It took two months for the $20 million-plus “Synecdoche” to land a U.S. distribution deal with Sony Pictures Classics. 2929 Prods. gave up on finding an outside buyer for its $12 million “Lovers,” deciding to release it through sister company Magnolia Pictures. And Soderbergh’s $65 million “Che” is still searching for a home.

OK, so we missed our chance on buying Charlie Kauffman’s Synedoche, New York (we snooze, we lose), but apparently Soderbergh’s Che is still up for grabs. It’s a buyer’s market, you guys. Let’s be buyers so that it’s our market!

Now, the four hour epic starring Benicio Del Toro as the Cuban revolutionary cost 65 million dollars to make. I have no idea what that means for how much money we’re supposed to offer. Do we pay the whole 65 million? That can’t be right. We’re just paying for the right to distribute? Or do you guys want to go all in and just own this motherfucker. Both of those are real options that are worth considering because this is a thing that’s GOING TO HAPPEN.

Look, no one’s buying this movie, so I say we lowball them. Let’s say $5,000. We offer that for world distribution rights. Boom, we’re Harvey Weinstein. We’d all better start eating. A lot. Because Harvey Weinstein is fat. I’m on the cutting edge of jokes, you guys. Whatever, fat jokes aren’t cool, but you know what else isn’t cool? Harvey Weinstein’s attitude. BACK TO BUSINESS. If we offer $5,000 it’s probably going to cost, what, another $5,000 to get this in one billion theaters worldwide? So we’re going to need $10,000 total.

If every reader of this website simply contributes $1,000 we will come within $9,000 dollars of our goal. SUCCESS. We can probably hold a bakesale to cover the remainder. Did you know that the original Hollywood Studios were founded by bakesale? That’s probably true. We have no way of knowing whether or not that’s true.

So, please just send me $1,000 dollars each, and I will get this plan in motion. What should our company be called? I’m leaning towards Serious Business, or maybe Money Factory.