Meth Wish

There is obviously no better crime story in the history of crimes than the one I reported yesterday about the 11-year-old boy who stole a lightbulb and declared “I am the cat and I am here to steal.” FACT. But a 36-year-old bank security guard named Bill Anthony Jakob is definitely giving The Cat a run for his money (The Cat’s money is lightbulbs). Basically, and I’m sure I’m going to get some of the facts wrong because I’m not a journalist and this story is insane, but he’s now being charged with a 23-count federal indictment for impersonating a law enforcement officer. Because what happened is that Jakob got fed up with the “drug problem” in rural Missouri where he lived, so he drove over to an adjacent town, told them that he was an officer with the Department of Homeland Security, and began breaking down people’s doors and arresting them. You can read a real writer’s account of it here. But, you guys, that is nuts. In a news article it states that he “preferred to use a shotgun with a pistol grip on raids.” Sure. Who doesn’t. Anyway, the important thing is that he’s optioned the rights to his life story to Hollywood, California.

From Variety:

Bill Anthony Jakob, the 36-year-old bank security guard facing a 23-count federal indictment for impersonating a law enforcement officer in a small Missouri town, has optioned his life rights to producer John Davis for a feature.

Davis, Dan Spilo and David Klawans have cut a deal with Jakob who, armed with a phony badge, convinced officials he was empowered by the Patriot Act and the Homeland Security Dept. to spearhead an undercover crackdown on drug dealers in the town of Gerald, Mo. A reporter’s Internet search revealed Jakob wasn’t a cop at all.

The producers plan to use Jakob’s story as a basis for a comedy, and will set a writer before Davis brings the project to 20th Century Fox, where his Davis Entertainment has its first-look deal.

I’m glad that this story is going to reach a wider audience, because I believe in vigilante justice and that one man armed with nothing other than a fake badge and a pistol-gripped shotgun can create meaningful change in this MIXED UP WORLD of ours. But I’m a little concerned that they’re using Jakob’s story as the basis for comedy. What’s funny about one unhinged man breaking down innocent people’s doors in the middle of the night with the dumbfounded (and dumbfounding) acquiescence of local authorities? Actually, it would make a pretty good comedy with Will Ferrell as Jakob, and John C. Reilly as the local sheriff. But NO. If we treat this as a comedy then people will think vigilante justice is a joke, rather than the righteous tool of the downtrodden (and mentally unstable). Sorry, Hollywood. Clean the stupid out of your ears.