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I Survived A Japanese Game Show: Someone Clean Andrew’s Diaper

We pick up where we left off last week, with Donnell victorious in the elimination round against Cathy, but furious with Andrew and Justin for breaking their homoerotic “silent alliance.” I’m pretty sure Silent Alliance is the name of Gregg Araki’s third movie. When he returns to the green room he tells Andrew and Justin not to talk to him. Andrew and Justin think this is unsportsmanlike. You know what else is unsportsmanlike? Greeting someone who just escaped an elimination that you sent them up for with an insufferably condescending “hey buddy, you did it.” A real sportsman simply hands another sportsman a tumbler of whiskey, shakes their hand, and then returns to cleaning his gun.

Back at the house, Donnell apologizes for telling Andrew and Justin not to say a word to him. Andrew and Justin explain that they were just doing what was right for their team. They all hug. And that’s that. Classic reality show drama. Ten minutes of built up steam dissipated by thirty seconds of beer-soaked hugs.

The first elimination game is “You Stand Still. No, You Stand Still.” It involves spinny chairs, a tuxedo, a wedding dress, a heart shaped chastity belt, and oversized novelty keys. Oh, and flour. The Japanese, I have learned, love games that involve giant pits of flour. Andrew and Donnell are so frustrated when they discover that they have to dress up in the wedding dresses. Which is not surprising. But even less surprising is when Andrew interviews that “having a guy dress up as a girl is fun on Halloween, but it’s a silly way to get enjoyment in my mind.” Ugh. Guys dressing up like girls on Halloween is the BORINGEST, but OF COURSE Andrew thinks that’s funny. Him and the bros get together and crush a couple of bottles of Jaeger and then they just get silly.

The Yellow Penguins do pretty well in the competition, completing it in 1:09, but the Green Monkeys take the win in 1:04, ending their four-episode losing streak, and for the first time in this whole show the reward for victory is actually a reward: a night in the presidential suite of a luxury hotel, with a private chef cooking whatever you want for dinner. The punishment, however, is still, as always, more like a unique experience in a foreign country. The Yellow Penguins have to spend the night in a capsule hotel. I say sounds fun, the Yellow Penguins say “waaaaah.” Meaghan and Donnell are greeted in the lobby and told that they are in for “the night of your lives,” which I find LOL-worthy, that the night of anyone’s life would be a private dinner with someone you barely even like in front of television cameras. It’s a silly way to get enjoyment in my mind. Meanwhile, the Yellow Penguins complain that the beer served with their bento box dinner is warm? Yellow Penguins, more like Yellow Babies, am I right?

Belinda tries to get out of the elimination challenge, but is thwarted when Andrew puts himself up, protecting the rosy-cheeked automate countryisms machine, Justin. The challenge is called “Clothes On, Clothes Off,” and involves three costume changes. Andrew feels that Belinda might have an edge in this competition because she’s a woman. Really? I would think that her advantage would come from not weight 1,000 pounds and having a head made out of rotting meat. Belinda does kill it, though, so who cares whether it was sexism or Andrew’s sloppy body that put her over the edge. He gets carried off on the shoulders of the Sayonara Boys, to be returned safely to America, where his bullying, shouting, and overall shittiness will seem normal and probably no one will even write blog posts about wanting him to be decapitated anymore. Probably.

Next week is the season finale. I expect one person will win, i.e. survive, and everyone else will be brought back to Japan and summarily executed. Otherwise, look out, ABC, angry letter writing campaign IN YOUR FACE.