That’s Your Boyfriend: Weed Gambler

The best part of this news story (about your boyfriend) is not when a man tries to use weed instead of chips at a casino. It’s when he realizes that maybe he bet TOO MUCH weed, and he takes some of it back, leaving a more appropriate amount of scattered buds.

When they say the house always wins, they aren’t kidding! (Sorry.) Whenever I hear a stupid criminal story it always reminds me of that 1992 World Trade Center terrorist who got caught because he tried to claim his rental van deposit. You know, the deposit that he paid on the van with the bomb in it. The one that exploded in a building. He wants his 60 dollars back please.

Actually, no. When I hear stupid criminal stories, it always reminds me of my 100 PERCENT FAVORITE crime story of all time, which was reported in my college newspaper.

From the Michigan Daily:

Lightbulbs stolen by 11-year-old

The Department of Public Safety received a call on Friday stating that an 11-year-old child stole a light bulb from the Argus I building on West William Street, DPS reports indicate.

The caller said the boy, after removing the bulb from its socket, left the building and threw the bulb on the ground. When the bulb broke, the caller said the boy screamed “I am the cat and I am here to steal.”

Reports do not indicate whether the boy was apprehended.

Did I say stupid criminals? I meant MOST AWESOME CRIMINALS. I cannot tell you how much mileage I have gotten out of “I am the cat and I am here to steal” but it is a ton of mileage. Classic. The crime blotter in my college paper was so boss. The next story on that page is “Bagels Spilled Near Hospital Morgue.” Jealous? Also, that kid is, like, 24 now. Ladies.