I Survived A Japanese Game Show: Godzilla Ain’t Got Nothin’ On Me

After eliminating Mary in “Big Chicken Butt Scramble” last week, Donnell returns to the green room with his shirt off and his chicken mask on, giving high fives and declaring the Green Monkeys “still in the building.” Andrew fires back: “yeah, two of ya,” to which Donnell responds “two Green Monkeys could turn into King Kong for real.” Um, Donnell, don’t you mean Godzilla? Just if we’re going to stick with the myopic cultural themes of the show, Godzilla would probably be a more sensible metaphor. I mean, I’m just saying. Meaghan interviews that she hates Donnell and doesn’t want to be alone on a team with him. Fair enough, except here are some other things Meaghan hates: human bodies untouched by plastic surgery and hot wings that don’t come with bleu cheese dipping sauce, so you can’t take her too seriously (at all seriously).

Because there are only two Green Monkeys left, the Yellow Penguins have to pick a member of their team to switch sides. Donnell really wants Justin, the Good Ol Boy Bot, because they are best friends in the house, which is always one of those sad statuses that people on reality TV show are forced to bandy about to keep from sticking chopsticks through their eyes (see Donnell, there’s a theme!) “Best friend in the house” means “dude who if this were real life I wouldn’t even bother hitting in the head with a chair at a bar fight for fear of damaging the chair.” Eventually, the Yellow Penguins decide to send Cathy over, because, and you probably won’t believe this, but Justin needs to think about himself seeing as HE DIDN’T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

This week’s competition is called “Sticky Sticky Bang Bang.” One team member gets dressed up in a Velcro suit and hung from a series of pulleys, while the other two team members throw Velcro balls and shoot a Velcro ball cannon, trying to stick them to the suit. But two members from the other team are tasked with pulling on the cables and keeping the suited person out of reach of the balls (that’s what she said, kind of, it was a variation on that.) As has become routine in this show, the Yellow Penguins crush it, primarily because Donnell and Meaghan just keep swinging Belinda back and forth in a predictable arc, while Justin and Andrew make sure that Cathy is whipped around so quickly and unpredictably that it’s really hard to put balls on her (that is what she said.)

For their reward, the Yellow Penguins go to a Shinto temple, while the Green Monkeys are forced to make mochi balls. I don’t know, every week it’s the same thing. The reward seems cool, but the punishment also seems cool. It’s hard to play on my natural American snobbery and classism when everything just seems like “exciting foreign experience.” They should be even more stratified. Like, the reward is that you get to rule Japan for four minutes, and the punishment is that you have to be a toilet. Then I would be like “I want the reward more than the punishment, they are no longer equal in terms of fun future anecdotes about my time in the land of the rising sun.”

Before the elimination round, Meaghan is back to her pouty-lipped scheming. Even though she performed horribly in the competition because instead of just shooting the ball cannon and hoping for the best, she spent the whole time trying to line up one perfect shot like this was In the Line of Fire or some shit. If the Green Monkeys can’t decide who is going to compete in the elimination game, then the Yellow Penguins get to make the decision. Andrew and Meaghan decide that if Meaghan can give the Yellow Penguins that power, Andrew will do his best to make sure Donnell and Cathy go into elimination. Donnell is confident because him and Andrew and Justin have “a silent alliance.” He claims the three of them all just “want to get the girls out.” What? Apparently this is I Survived A Japanese Being in Third Grade. Anyway, Meaghan looks really fake sad because she just fake doesn’t know what to do, fake forcing Yellow Penguins to make the decision, who pick Donnell and Cathy, Meaghan fake cries, Donnell is shattered to discover that his silent alliance is broken, and Cathy seems pretty oblivious as usual. She wasn’t so much the dark horse of this competition, as the make-up horse.

The elimination game is “You Swing and Hope for the Best.” There are seven doors and four ropes and you swing through the door. If it breaks, a man in a panda suit hits you with a powder puff. If it doesn’t break, you get a point, and the first one to find three solid doors and hit the buzzer wins. Donnell kills it, again. There’s not much drama in how often the Green Monkeys lose and Donnell wins elimination round, but OK. You are still winning TV, because here I am. Anyway, the Sayonara Boys carry Cathy off on their shoulders and Donnell lives to fight another day. Andrew, watching backstage, says “oh great, now he’s going to come back here and be so loud and cocky.” To be fair, Andrew would know, because he’s the expert on being loud and cocky. Someone should sew razor blades into the collar of his polo shirt so that when he pops it, which he’s always popping it, it cuts his head off. Then we can play the exciting Japanese Game Show game “I Kicked Andrew’s Head Into The Ocean.”

Andrew is your boyfriend.