I Survived A Japanese Game Show: The Fart Of Snore

After beating out Darcy at the end of last week’s show, Meaghan heads back to the green room to rejoin the rest of the castmates. Andrew offers her a piece of cookie because he won the cookies in a bet that Meaghan would win. Classic Andrew. Such a complex meathead mindgame. He gets on Meaghan’s side both with the bet that she would win, and the cookie, but lets it clearly be known that most people bet against her. Then he gives her a high five. He probably heard about that in the Who Moved My Cheese? book-on-tape.

Meaghan is not talking to Donnell because as she said last week, Donnell just made his first enemy (Meaghan). Right. You’re his first enemy. He was doing just fine cruising through life, but he finally met his match in you, a 22-year-old bartender from Texas with collagen lips and a well-rehearsed pout. Take it easy, Meaghan. Just because you watched a muted second half of Heat on Starz during a slow night at Friendly’s doesn’t mean you’re ready to start playing hardball (or as it is played on this show, happy Velcro splash fart ball).

The first competition is called “Big Baby Go Boom.” Everyone has to dress up in bibs and bonnets and sit on a merry-go-round until they’re crazy dizzy, then they have to fill measuring cups with milk and make it through an obstacle course to a giant baby bottle, pour whatever milk they’ve got left after spilling all of it, and then rush back to hit a buzzer so the merry-go-round stops and the next player goes. Cathy says “where do they come up with this shit,” and everyone is always talking about how crazy these games are, but is it really that much weirder than Double Dare, with it sloppy giant ham sandwiches and slides covered in slime? Yes, it is, but only because of racism.

That’s what she said?

The Yellow Penguins crush it again. Their reward is to taste “the best soba noodles in Japan,” and the Green Monkeys will have to work shelling clams and also go up for elimination. This weeek’s episode is kind of boring. Would you have guessed that amazing soba noodles taste delicious and that a clam shucking hut in Japan smells overwhelmingly like clams? Yes you would have, because you zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Last week, Meaghan made her bath-toweled declaration that she would put herself up for elimination with the condition that if she won, she would be exempt the next time the Green Monkeys lost. Everyone agreed at the time, but then Donnell said that he didn’t like this deal because what if he did great in the next competition, and Meaghan did horribly, then it wouldn’t be fair for him to have to face elimination. Well, your word is bond, Donnell, but more importantly Donnell totally bit it this week, getting no milk in the baby bottle, while Mary killed it, getting the most milk of any of the two teams, even though it wasn’t quite enough. So it makes sense that Donnell would try and worm his way into Mary’s head and get her to go back on the deal with Meaghan, EXCEPT that he keeps saying “I think it would be really interesting to see you two go up against each other.” What? That makes no sense. If Mary was going to talk her way out of it, wouldn’t she want to be excused from elimination altogether? Donnell’s argument is that he’s going to take out anyone if he’s put in the game, but I still don’t understand him. He is a mind wizard of nonsensical sorcery. He’s like the Art of War, without the Art, and with the Confusion, and without the War, and with a chicken costume.

For the elimination game Donnell and Mary put on chicken costumes, because Mary is a noble warrior, and despite vacillating all episode, decides that she made a promise to Meaghan, and that she has to stay true to herself. Reality TV is all about staying true to yourself. The competition is called “Big Chicken Butt Scramble.” Donnell and Mary have to lather themselves in oil, slide into some feathers, and then pop balloons filled with yellow liquid using their butts. Clearly the contestants on this show got so enamored with being in Japan and so shell-shocked by the Brechtian confusion of a fake show being taped abroad for an American audience because no one ever puts up a fight when they have to do this shit. Hell yes they’ll put on a ridiculous costume and bust eggs with their butts. Sure, they’ll keep on a baby bonnet and bib and sit with you for hours after the game has ended conducting pre-scripted interviews. How do you say “no problem,” in Japanese.

Donnell wins. Mary goes home. It’s down to two Green Monkeys, which is too bad for that team, especially since they both hate each other, but I didn’t come here to see anyone make friends, and the fewer Green Monkeys left, the sooner the Yellow Penguins will be forced to tear themselves apart, starting with Andrew and Justin. Those two are the worst. They should be forced to dress up in poop costumes and flush themselves down a giant toilet.