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I Love Money: Pick Me, I Suck

As this week’s episode opens, 12 Pack wakes Mr. Boston and asks him if he’s ready for the competition. Mr. Boston says that he is. And then 12 Pack pours a bottle of water in Mr. Boston’s face. For as big of a dweeb as Mr. Boston is, and as much as he reminds you of a nerd you met in college who amazed you with his lack of social skills even after the cleansing fires of high school, one of those obstinate dorks who refuses to abide by the social contract, it’s behaviors like these that make these people despicable. I know that his name is 12 Pack and he’s living in a house with strippers and professional failures so honor and dignity are not that easy to come by, but seriously, dude, at least in high school you had the decency to wait until lunchtime to flip someone’s tray up into their face.

The teams were selected last week, and now each team picks a new team leader. Whichever team wins will be safe from elimination, but more importantly, the winning team’s captain will select who goes home from the losing team. It is, quite sincerely, the most power that will ever be placed in one of these morons’ hands. Rodeo takes over from Hoopz on the Gold Team, and Chance steps up to the plate for the Green Team. But pretty quickly Destiney replaces him as team leader because Chance wasn’t doing anything to motivate the team. White Boy, the green team’s former captain, tries to do his part by jumping up onto a windowsill? To show off his climbing skills? And then tells everyone to jump up on the windowsill because that will prove that you are physically fit and a shrwed game player? No, don’t worry, this show totally makes sense and is full of intelligent people who are worth spending a Sunday evening with.

The competition is a javelin fight on a suspended platform. CLASSIC. It’s best of five. In a surprise upset, the Green Team wins when Mr. Boston knocks Nibblz into the lake. It was not without some sadness, though, as Mr. Boston’s unrelenting self-deprecation became unbearable. Oh Mr. Boston. He should get sent home if only to protect himself from future embarrassment. If you could measure the shame of him in a thermometer, it would burst, showering everyone with the poisonous mercury of self-loathing. It does offer Chance a moment to do what he does best, blow your mind, by saying “Nobody had faith in him, everybody’s looking at this G.I. Jane, predator, all types of wilderbeast, and Mr. Boston, that soggy sucker is a champ.” Chance, marry me.

The Gold Team has to select three people to face elimination, with a final decision coming from the walking truck stop, Destiney. They pick Pumkin, Toastee, and Nibblz. Pumkin and Toastee immediately start to cry. It’s going to be a very long season for these girls if they can’t keep it together. The three of them go out for margaritas with Destiney to plead their case, and this is where we enter into the true sadness of this competition. Because Destiney is on the other team, it becomes a race to the bottom, as every girl tries to prove that she’s the weakest human being and worst competitor. Yikes. Toastee even goes so far as to throw herself down a flight of stairs to show how dumb she is.

See, Destiney, it’s true. Toastee is very, very dumb.

At elimination time, the dummies have it, as Pumkin and Toastee are saved from elimination. This means Nibblz has to go home. Since Nibblz was responsible for Toastee getting sent home from Flavor of Love 2, Toastee points out that Karma is a bitch. I’ve noticed that Karma is so much bitchier towards people who’ve made a career out of being on reality TV. Karma hates those guys.