Videogum

You Can Make It Up: Brendan Fraser’s Journey To The Center Of The Earth

Brendan Fraser didn’t have any idea how he’d gotten so lost. You’d think it would be easy to get to brunch with his agent when the meeting was scheduled half a mile from his Beverly Hills home, and he had a GPS unit in the car, but here he was, 45 minutes outside of Los Angeles, driving down an abandoned dirt road, and he was four hours late for his eggs benedict. “Oh well,” Brendan Fraser thought to himself. “What am I going to do, turn around? It’s probably right up here.” Brendan Fraser’s mind, like his acting, was mediocre.

It was late afternoon when he ran out of gas, and his car rolled slowly to a stop in the dusty foothills of the San Gabriel mountains. “OK,” he thought, “I’ll just walk the rest of the way.” Brendan Fraser thought not only that his agent would still be waiting for him at the restaurant, but that he could walk there. Brendan Fraser thought a lot of things, like that wigs looked just like real hair, and that he was talented. Brendan Fraser figured he could get a better vantage point of where his agent was if he hiked to the top of the tallest mountain. “Good thing I’m wearing these hiking shoes,” he said happily to no one in particular, looking down at his slippers.

By the time he reached the summit it was almost night. Brendan Fraser was hungry, so he ate a penny that he found in his pocket. He held up his hand to shield his eyes from the setting sun. He couldn’t see his agent or the restaurant anywhere, in large part because he was in the mountains, 60 some miles away. “Huh,” Brendan Fraser thought. “Well this is odd.” It was not odd, but that’s what he thought. He also thought “My car looks like an ant,” and then he tried to crush it with his finger. “Ha ha ha,” Brendan Fraser said. “Ha ha ha.”

As he started to walk back down the mountain, thinking that perhaps he’d find brunch waiting for him at a nice outdoor table if he just thought about it hard enough, like he’d read about in The Secret, it began to rain. “Water!” Brendan Fraser yelled. He ducked into a cave to escape the storm. Waiting for the rain to cease, he decided to look around, and found himself in a wide room of stone. Suddenly, there was a loud cracking under his feet, and the floor gave way. Brendan Fraser found himself falling through an interminable pit of darkness.

Minutes passed. “We’re still falling,” he shouted. No one said anything because there was no one else there.

After what seemed like an eternity, Brendan Fraser could see a faint prickling of light below him, and the air was growing warmer. And then, quite suddenly, he plunged into the Earth’s molten core and disintegrated.