Videogum

Can Marlo Stanfield Save The Max Payne Movie?

It seems like Hollywood got the idea for the videogame-to-movie adaptation process from the old prank where you but a half gallon of milk behind your friend’s radiator because you hate them. You take two perfectly decent things, milk and heat, wait forever, and the end result stinks. Oh man. My metaphors. I hope someone is writing these down. They’re going to be collected in a book one day titled The Worst Metaphors: The Book. Oh man. My book titles. Max Payne trailer:

I know that Max Payne was supposed to be revolutionary in that it was one of the first heavily written videogames, but the writing still always seemed pretty cheesy to me, like someone had heard a hard-boiled detective story retold to them by a super stoned friend who was working at the gas station while he prepped for his GED and saved money for his Celtic arm-band tattoo (that one is definitely going in the book). I will admit, though, that the nightmare level where you’re walking through the shadows of a blood-stained house while a baby cries incessantly was actually scary. And it’s great (not that great, birdman25) that they stayed so true to the bathroom stall source material. But let’s just be ourselves you guys. I love Mark Wahlberg, but if I wanted to watch a leather jacket commercial with a Puddle of Mudd soundtrack I’d join an advertising firm, work my way up, and be the creative director on the leather jacket account to make sure it was done right. That being said, this movie gets one more chance to prove itself to me on the strength of Jamie Hector. He doesn’t seem to have a credit on IMDB, but that’s him right? For your sake, Max Payne movie, that better be him.