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There Can Be Only 50

Dear 50 Cent,

When you are going to do a spoof of the NBA Finals ads for the new G Unit album, Terminate on Sight, you should end it on a note that makes people want to buy the album. Either something dramatic, like the “There can be only one” line from the original ads, or maybe something that goes with your at-this-point-getting-silly public persona of a steroidal thug who raps as a hobby when he’s not busy selling drugs and fighting off mob bosses with sword canes and just happens to live in the most ghetto 43-bathroom mansion in Connecticut because he’s so street. What you probably shouldn’t do is end it with a laugh-inducing sound clip from the album of you just going “whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.”

Sincerely,
Anyone Who Knows Anything

Dear 50 Cent,

I’m not sure if you got my previous letter regarding your NBA Finals spoof campaign for the new G-Unit album Terminate on Sight in which I recommended that you not end the promo with you going “whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.” I would like to take that back. In light of your newest attempt, I think the first one was much better. Now it’s just getting silly. Did Tony Yayo just rob a train? Also, I’m not trying to take you to Economics School or anything, but if you stab me, shoot me, and kill me, I will not be buying your album. I will be in heaven, continuing to not pose a threat to your imaginary drug business that no one thinks you have.

Sincerely,
The Ghost Of People Who Liked 50 Cent Back In 2003