An Honest And Realistic Tara Reid Petition For America

A Tara Reid fan has started a petition, urging the people behind a Friday the 13th remake to cast the aging actress in their movie and revitalize her career, because nothing takes you from a flailing career to the top of the A-list like a remake of a teenage slasher film. I’m guessing the role the petitioners are hoping for Reid is either Teacher, or Grandmother. The petition reads:

We feel young hollywood actress Tara Reid deserves a role in the upcoming Platinum Dunes remake of A Nightmare On Elm Street. She is a very talented and intelligent actor, we feel a a major role, in a major film will help revive her acting career. We feel she would be a truly great addition to the cast. Please truly consider her for a part, and check out how many people would love to see her in you’re film.

This petition is so limited. What if you agree that Tara Reid should be cast in the movie, but don’t think that she’s “a very talented and intelligent actor”? You can’t in good conscience sign this thing. I’m surprised that 587 people (as of this writing) have been able to swallow their misgivings and participate in this (because an on-line petition is a sacred document, and you should only “sign” it if you truly believe in what it says, to the letter).

I propose an alternate petition. One that people can sign with honor and dignity and without the moral misgivings that come with lying about someone’s merit.

My petition reads as follows:

To: Platinum Dunes

We feel young hollywood actress Tara Reid would be a perfectly reasonable person to have “murdered” in your remake of Nightmare on Elm Street. We don’t have particularly high hopes for this project, but we feel that murdering Tara Reid would at least provide some comic relief. Why not? Besides, she’s probably very affordable. If you have her murdered within the first five minutes that could be completed in just one day of shooting, which couldn’t possibly cost more than a pack of cigarettes and a toasted everything bagel with tofu cream cheese from the Craft Services table.


The Undersigned

Hold your head high, America. Sign here.