Big Brother has always kind of seemed like the reality TV show for people who think Reader’s Digest is an interesting magazine. It might have been amazing in the 1950s when it would have had something to say about privacy and the encroaching domination of televised media, but at this point don’t all reality TV shows feature a cast living in a house cut off from the outside world, surrounded by television cameras? In fact, forget reality TV, isn’t that just all TV shows? Even sitcoms are predicated on that idea. Full House and Family Matters (Because those are two TV shows I know. I deserve a raise!) were just Big Brother with professional actors.
That being said, the cast of the upcoming season of Big Brother has been announced, so it’s time to play Marry, Fuck, Kill, in which we use as little information as we can to make hurtful snap judgements about them as people. Welcome to Hollywood! Normally the way this game would be played is that we would see how their rankings change throughout the season as we got to know them better, but I’ve made it nine seasons without watching this show and I don’t think I’m about to start now just so that I can rip the contestants apart with more insightful insults. This’ll do, pig.
Michelle Costa, 28
Hometown: Cumberland, R.I.
Occupation: Real estate agent
Most Unique Item Packed: Crossword puzzles
Audition Process: Costa said this was her second time trying out after sending in an audition tape.
Strategy: “I’m going to do whatever it takes to win, whether it’s bad, good or ugly.”
Marry. Normally someone who tried out twice to be on this show would be instantly shuttled to the Kill column, but she’s a real estate agent, and they make good money, she brought crossword puzzles, and I love crossword puzzles, and there are 12 more contestants to go so I’ve got to pace myself on the murder. Besides, I can’t fuck her. Look at her.
April Dowling, 30
Hometown: Higley, Ariz.
Occupation: Finance manager
Most Unique Item Packed: Tiny snowglobe
Audition Process: She was discovered by casting staff after making it to the “Survivor” semifinals.
Strategy: “I have no idea. I don’t even know what I’m going to do in the next hour.”
Fuck. First of all, I am not marrying someone who’s on a reality show because she couldn’t get on the reality show she wanted. If I wanted that I would have married one of the Real World rejects from Road Rules. But she seems to dull to kill. She has no idea what she’s even going to do in the next hour, but my guess is it involves either staring blankly at a wall, or staring blankly at her tiny snowglobe. (Wwhat is that all about? Just kidding, please don’t tell me.) But if I fuck her, I can just pretend that she’s Jane Krakowski and it will be like I’m fucking someone with talent!
Steven Daigle, 35
Occupation: Geographic consultant
Most Unique Item Packed: Hat can for his two cowboy hats
Audition Process: Casting associates called his gay rodeo organization looking for competitors to audition.
Strategy: “I want to go in there open to let anything happen.”
Marry. Steven’s got a lot of things going for him. For one, it seems highly likely that he simply fell off of his bronco and hit his head, and that’s how he ended up on the show, which is the best reason to be in the cast. And for two, we’d have the rest of our lives together for him to explain what the fuck a hat can is and what the fuck a geographic consultant does.
Robert “Memphis” Garrett, 25
Hometown: Los Angeles
Occupation: Mixologist and party planner
Most Unique Item Packed: Reebok Pump sneakers
Audition Process: A casting associate hounded him to audition. He said he’d only do “Survivor” or “Big Brother.”
Strategy: “I’m going to be who I am. I’m a hustler. For some reason, people just trust me. And they should.”
Kill. Oh my God. A hustling mixologist partyplanner in Reebok Pump sneakers who’s from Los Angeles but calls himself “Memphis” and claims that he’s on the show because a casting associate hounded him and he gave them an ultimatum about what show’s he was willing to participate in? Is there a way to kill someone more than once?
Dan Gheesling, 24
Hometown: Dearborn, Mich.
Occupation: Private high school teacher
Most Unique Item Packed: American flag
Audition Process: After sending in an audition tape, he’s been invited to the audition finals three times.
Strategy: “My personality traits will play into my strategy and make this an easy summer for me.”
Fuck. I’m not spending my life with Dan, but you’ve got to give it up to him for seeing something he wanted (the show), and goinng for it. And going for it. And going for it. He worked hard to get here, or whatever the reality TV equivalent of working hard is, and that’s respectable. He wasn’t “hounded by a casting associate” like some liars (no one was hounded by a casting associate). And I’m not going to Kill a private high school teacher. So let’s just get this over with and then go our separate ways. Now just put this paper bag over your head.
Jessie Godderz, 22
Hometown: Huntington Beach, Calif.
Occupation: Bodybuilder, personal trainer and model
Most Unique Item Packed: Posing trunks
Audition Process: Godderz’s manager received a last-minute call from a casting associate for him to audition.
Strategy: “I have to play psychological mind games when I walk into a gym, so I think it’ll be a little like that.”
Kill. I would Kill Jessie by making him and “Memphis” fuck each other to death. It would be like Saw, except that unlike Jigsaw I’d want to be as far away from that shit as possible.
Brian Hart, 27
Hometown: San Francisco
Occupation: Telecommunication account manager
Most Unique Item Packed: “The Office” stress balls
Audition Process: He said he was spotted by a casting associate and had to be coaxed into auditioning.
Strategy: “My strategy is to find something in common with everyone in there.”
Ignore. Seriously, Marrying, Fucking, and Killing takes a lot of work. Can we all just pretend that Brian and his The Office stressballs never happened? And who are these people who are constantly being hounded and coaxed by casting associates? What bar are you guys hanging out in? I don’t want to go there, I want to lock you all inside and burn it to the ground. Isn’t it weird how I just took out a new insurance policy on that place last week?
Jerry MacDonald, 75
Hometown: Magnolia, Texas
Occupation: Retired sales and marketing executive
Most Unique Item Packed: Korean War veteran hat
Audition Process: This die-hard fan sent in an audition tape for “Big Brother 9″ but was called for “10.”
Strategy: “I’m going to create an alliance called the X-Factor with only three people.”
Marry. Jerry is a veteran (I think, either that or he just has a hat that belonged to a veteran?) and he’s at the age where being a die hard fan of Big Brother is charming rather than barf-inducing, so I can’t kill him. And I can’t Fuck him without something breaking and at his age bones take a long time to heal. And he’s from Texas, so Marrying him would really piss off his parents! Also he says things like “I’m going to create an alliance called the X-Factor with only three people,” which means dementia is probably setting in and I need to get written into that will!
Renny Martyn, 53
Hometown: Metairie, La.
Occupation: Hair salon owner
Most Unique Item Packed: Animal mask
Audition Process: This “Big Brother” fan “turned it up a notch” at an open casting call in New Orleans.
Strategy: “You need to get up in mind to understand my strategy. You’ll have to watch to find out.”
Kill. Renny (sorry, that’s not a real name) could have fallen into any of the three categories. For example, if she were to invent a time machine and take me back to 1978, but with the knowledge that this is what she’d look like at 53, then it would be Marry all the way. And if she had left the animal mask at home and never used the phrase “turned it up a notch,” then we might have even found ourselves in an intimate Fuck situation. But as it stands, between the mask and the notch and the feather in her hair and being a salon owner, I’m getting a wicked strong eccentric cat lady vibe.
Bryan Ollie, 27
Hometown: Bloomington, Minn.
Occupation: Marketing sales representative
Most Unique Item Packed: Charm from a woman he met before leaving
Audition Process: He attended an open casting call in Minneapolis with the motivation of “winning it all.”
Strategy: “I’m just going to be myself. I think that’ll be good enough to win the game and make good TV.”
Marry. Based on the skeleton framework of his stats, Ollie is the least reprehensible person so far. He’s basically just going on the show as a goof with the hopes of winning some money at the end. Fair enough, Ollie. Well played. Unfortunately for us, he’s probably poised, articulate, and super confident. So we’re definitely headed for divorce when he realizes that I’m not half as motivated or into rakish angles as he is.
Keesha Smith, 29
Hometown: Burbank, Calif.
Most Unique Item Packed: Hooters T-shirt
Audition Process: Casting associates called her restaurant looking for a blonde waitress to audition.
Strategy: “I’m going to make people think I’m a nice person, but I can actually be sneaky.”
Angie Swindell, 29
Hometown: Orlando, Fla.
Occupation: Pharmaceutical sales representative
Most Unique Item Packed: Nine cartons of cigarettes
Audition Process: The longtime “Big Brother” fan attended an open casting call in Florida.
Strategy: “I’m going to lay a little low and then start winning competitions when I have to,” she says.
Kill. This one is just math. Orlando, Florida, plus pharmaceutical sales representative, plus nine cartons of cigarettes, plus longtime Big Brother fan equals Kill. You don’t need a beautiful mind to figure that one out.
Libra Thompson, 31
Hometown: Spring, Texas
Occupation: Human resources representative
Most Unique Item Packed: “Really cute” magenta top
Audition Process: She “turned it out” at an open casting call in Houston.
Strategy: “I’m intuitive. I think I’ll be able figure out how to push people’s buttons.”
Fuck. While it’s true that Leos and Libras are astrologically compatible, it’s been proven that I’m not super into people who push my buttons all the time. For some weird reason I don’t love that. I’m so weird! And if the most interesting thing you own is a “really cute” magenta top, then I’m not sure what we’re going to talk about. Human resources? You know what, I’m changing it to Fuck and then Kill. Problem solved!