Christopher Hitchens, a humorless man who wrote that dumb thing about how he thinks women can’t be funny, agreed to be waterboarded on video for an article about torture in next month’s Vanity Fair. Unlike real prisoners, Hitchens gets a safe word (it’s “red” and you might want to remember it, just in case), and two “metal objects” that he can release when he wants the waterboarding to stop. Here’s the video, set to terrible melodramatic music, probably because waterboarding doesn’t seem to be the most cinematic of torture techniques. If you dislike Mr. Hitchens, though, there’s a wonderful satisfying moment when the metal objects fall to the floor with the clinking sound of him being a pussy. How brilliant would it have been if Vanity Fair had replaced the official torturers at the last minute with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler?