gabe: did you watch the american idol finale?
gabe: me neither
lindsay: who won?
gabe: david cook.
lindsay: boo! archuleta should have won!
gabe: no way, david cook totally deserved to win
gabe: did you hear him sing?
gabe: me neither. but I like winners. Do you even know anything about david archuleta?
lindsay: all I know about him is that he’s young
lindsay: and his father. something is strange about his father.
gabe: that doesn’t make you a good singer
gabe: i think
gabe: actually i don’t know
gabe: i can’t sing
lindsay: Well maybe the pain he suffered from having a father that people said things about
gabe: david cook suffered pain
gabe: like a ton of it
lindsay: caused him to be a better singer
gabe: david cook IS pain
gabe: david archuleta can’t even play an instrument
gabe: i don’t think
gabe: i have no way of knowing whether or not that is true
gabe: i have seen a picture of david cook holding a guitar
gabe: so, he’s got a lot of talent
lindsay: Yes. You have me on that one.
lindsay: I have never seen a picture of David Archuleta holding an instrument demonstrating his talent
gabe: you probably just like archuleta because you want to kiss him
lindsay: I don’t want to kiss a boy with daddy issues
lindsay: assuming that the weird or strange thing about his father involves him having issues
gabe: then you are a lesbian
becuase i’m pretty sure most boys have some sort of daddy issue
gabe: except david cook
gabe: who is a man
lindsay: there is a kickboxer named david archuleta:
lindsay: he should kickbox the other david archuleta
gabe: admittedly, while i whole-heartedly support david cook winning american idol
gabe: i think the kickboxer david archuleta is the real winner
lindsay: I think so too
gabe: he’s got a pretty good record
gabe: he could beat the shit out of your boyfriend
gabe: david cook, of course, would probably defend himself pretty well
gabe: in the octagon
lindsay: Yes, he could beat Kickboxer David Archuleta with his guitar
lindsay: because that is all he can probably do with it
lindsay: because he probably sucks
gabe: well there is no possible way of knowing
gabe: but i will tell you this
gabe: he won
gabe: and that is more than i can say for david archuleta
lindsay: (the singer)
gabe: if there’s one thing i know about david archuleta
gabe: (the singer)
gabe: it’s that he lost american idol
gabe: and there is only one thing that i know about him
lindsay: Oh! I remembered a thing. Someone said that David Archuleta (the singer) could sing the phone book.
lindsay: and still be good or make people cry or something like that
gabe: david cook wrote the phone book
lindsay: Then he’s just the man behind the man who can cause some sort of feelings or emotion in others with his voice singing the phone book
gabe: if you look up david cook in the dictionary it’s just a picture of a trophy and the word “deserved”
lindsay: if you look up david archuleta in the dictionary it’s a picture of a really good kickboxer.
gabe: if you look up david archuleta in the dictionary it’s a picture of you in jail
lindsay: I think the fact that I haven’t seen american idol and yet I know how to spell “archuleta” instinctively means that he’s the greater singer.
gabe: what? no way
lindsay: he’s better at leaving a mark on the mind of those he entertains
gabe: david cook
gabe: well, first of all, i always think instnatly of dane cook, my favorite comedian
gabe: so he’s already got the association with greatness
gabe: and secondly, his name is so easy to spell
gabe: like my other hero
gabe: george bush
gabe: historical figures
gabe: david cook and george bush
lindsay: I have just looked up a picture of the two young men
lindsay: and Archuleta has vastly superior hair
gabe: but that’s the only hair on his body
gabe: he’s five years old
gabe: david cook’s hair is made out of talent
gabe: his body actually prodcues a talent protein
lindsay: and then he puts gel on the talent and glues it to his face just so
gabe: NOT COOL
lindsay: thus neutralizing it and giving the point to archuleta
gabe: it looks like david archuleta just got back from a business meeting at a safari
lindsay: He did. With the presidents of every major label who all want to sign him
lindsay: because he’s so good
lindsay: and then he didn’t have time to change but he knew that his song would shine through
gabe: when david cook goes to bed at night, he releases five albums of new material in REM sleep
lindsay: but pitchfork gives them all a 0.0
gabe: when david archuleta goes to sleep at night
gabe: it’s in a race car bed
lindsay: The race car bed that gives him the strength to sing out and make his song heard
gabe: i heard that david cook was so good that they’re ending american idol
gabe: this was the last season
gabe: becuase he will never be topped
lindsay: No, they are ending it because they realized they can’t trust the american people to choose the correct David.
gabe: as long as they’re ending it
lindsay: never forget
gabe: what is that date?
gabe: archuleta’s 12th birhtday?
lindsay: David Cook is too old.
lindsay: He’s the John McCain
gabe: then archuleta
gabe: is the hillary clinton
lindsay: girl power!
C U NEXT TUESDAY.