This Is It: The Sex And The City Movie Spoiled For Real And Completely

I’ve been asking for someone to break the Sex And The City Movie Vast Conspiracy Of Silence Squealing for what seems like the past five years, and finally an angel has come through. I just got done instant-messaging with a fellow SATC hate-watcher who saw the movie last night and answered every question I had, on condition of anonymity. If you don’t want to know every single plot point that matters, and the ending, don’t follow the jump!

lindsay: first, I think we know this, but does anyone die?
angel hatewatcher: No, I WISH. It was SO BORING.
lindsay: What’s the reasoning for Big ditching Carrie at the altar?
angel hatewatcher: Oh god this is the most retarded part, actually. Miranda leaves Steve after he cheated on her once, and moves into a loft in Chinatown. Steve shows up at Carrie and Big’s rehearsal dinner to hash things out with Miranda, and they get into a huge fight outside, and then as Miranda walks back into the restaurant, Big asks if she’s okay
lindsay: And then they make out?!
angel hatewatcher: No, she says something along the lines of “You two are so stupid to get married; marriage ruins everything.”
angel hatewatcher: he like makes this really pensive look that is like “i KNEW it”
angel hatewatcher:and then he ditches her.
angel hatewatcher: and miranda feels guilty, but does not tell carrie, until valentines day, when they are having this sad-sack singles dinner at a romantic restaurant. then THEY get in a fight, and carrie tells her to go back to steve, blah blah blah
lindsay: So that’s why the movie is about “forgiveness”?
angel hatewatcher: i guess it’s about forgiveness
angel hatewatcher: mainly it seemed like it was about prancing around naked in stilettos
lindsay: So who sleeps with who?
angel hatewatcher: Steve sleeps with some random woman you never see, but none of the ladies cheat.
lindsay: What happens at the end?
angel hatewatcher: Steve and Miranda get back together, Charlotte has a baby girl, Samantha dumps the actor and moves back to NYC, and Carrie and Big get married for real, but a civil ceremony at the courthouse. And he surprises her by having all the girls there. The end.
lindsay: Are there ANY funny parts?
angel hatewatcher: well
angel hatewatcher:the scene where carrie beats big up with her bouquet outside of the ny public library was hilarious, but unintentionally
angel hatewatcher: i mean, seriously, the whole screening room was cracking up
angel hatewatcher:it was SO PAINFUL TO WATCH
angel hatewatcher: i know there were other parts that were sort of funny, but most of the “jokes” were totally obvious and stupid, you know?
angel hatewatcher:like there is one part where charlotte poops her pants
angel hatewatcher:which in theory should be funny, but for some reason it was NOT funny, because they were trying so hard for it to be.
lindsay: Why?
angel hatewatcher: Why does she poop her pants?
lindsay: yeah
angel hatewatcher: Because they’re in Mexico.
lindsay: Haha Thanks so much for doing this! I’m sorry you had to sit through 2.5 hours of that.
angel hatewatcher: No problem! Oh one more thing: Carrie buys Jennifer Hudson a really expensive purse! And the whole movie is a commercial for Vogue and designers!
lindsay: Haha. Breaking news!

So there you have it. I was wrong: Steve isn’t gay, and Steve and Big are not gay together. But I was right about one thing: nothing really happens. Except Forgiveness.