So something weird happened during last night’s Flavor of Love finale: it actually started mattering who won. For the most part, this was your standard romantic reality show season finale, with an exotic location, “final dates,” candle lit dinners, and night caps in hotel rooms that none of the participants including the eligible star of the show could ever afford on their own. Except that somehow, in spite of himself, the goofy rubber-faced man-child that is Flavor Flav somehow seemed to actually stumble into true love, or the closest you could find on a show like this, in Thing 2. The tension of the final decision, while still holding to the traditional Madonna-whore complex of romantic reality final decisions, somehow, at least for me, seemed to bring into question the future of these shows. It seemed that even a drug-addled and klieg-light blinded functional 13-year-old like Flavor should be able to get this one right, and if he didn’t, then we would have definitive proof that love was a myth.
Not only is Thing 2 the obviously preferable mate even in the standard dramatic dichotomy of good girl vs. boob job girl, but she’s also totally realistic as someone who would love Flavor Flav and be loved back. She’s very pretty but she’s a little older, so not so young and pretty that you can’t believe she would ever be with someone like him, which is the case with many of the girls. And she seems extremely good natured and sweet and also silly, the perfect compliment to a man who makes Billy Madison looked like a genius. In comparison, Black just seemed like a sad “Active” from Joss Whedon’s upcoming show, Dollhouse.
I’ll skip over the moment where Flavor Flav asked Black to tell him a joke at dinner and her brain shut down, because that’s actually fair, someone asking you to tell them a joke is kind of the worst, except in comparison Thing 2 nailed it with two jokes. Joke jokes. Like jokefinder.org jokes. I’m also going to skip over the moment when Thing 2 and Flavor were on a double decker bus tour of Paris and he got out of the bus and ran to a flower shop and bought her all the roses in the store. It was sincerely the most romantic thing I have ever seen on one of these shows. But I’m going to skip right to the final elimination, when both girls are offered a chance to speak, because you can just feel the difference between the two of them. Somehow, despite the fact that we’re forced to think of her as Thing 2, which is ridiculous and demeaning and a slap in the face of the reality of what’s happening here, you can feel the visceral difference when she speaks compared to the busty bobble head Black:
Her speech is so good. Like, it actually touched me. Jesus. SPOILER ALERT: unlike most things in his life, Flavor did not fuck this one up. Yet. And a preview for the reunion show next week implies that Flavor is going to propose to Latrisha (Thing 2). Nice. Trista and Ryan can go fuck themselves.
Nullus on this whole post obviously.