As If Wanted Could Look Any Worse

At some point in the future, our children, and our children’s children, are going to live underwater look back at the early/current stages of the internet and they are going to LOL at us. Like e-Cards. When people in the future hear about e-Cards they’re going to be amazed that we weren’t eating our fingers and sticking fire in our ears. “What, and they had civilization?” Stupid. e-Cards are stupid. The point I’m trying to make is that everyone’s favorite bullet-curving movie, Wanted, has a new viral marketing scheme. It’s a website called You need a password to access the secret manual of the Weavers. That password is “every life hangs by a thread.” Once inside, you get “access” to “secrets” that are “mystical” and “retarded.”

A few of my favorite secrets after the jump.

First, a note on the Fraternity’s tattoo policy:

The tattoos must be applied in either henna or eye makeup, and they must look like something a 15-year-old goth girl would draw on the inside of her Chemistry textbook.

I also highly recommend this instruction manual on how to curve bullets.

It was really smart of the ancient Fraternity of Weavers to include analogies to tennis and bowling. I’ve heard that most secret assassin societies are good at one or the other, or both.

This movie looks so great, you guys. The Loom of Fate doesn’t sound like a ridiculous game the lonely child of an alcoholic single mother made up in his sparse bedroom one night to avoid listening to her fuck another stranger just for the feeling of still being a physical body on this planet and not a ravaged soul left alone to suffer at all. Loom of Fate, totally. We’re all adults who enjoy smart things.