So It Begins: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time

Last night I watched Death Sentence. Shame on me. Actually, shame on Ricky first, for telling me to watch it, and then shame on me for doing so. If you haven’t seen it, Death Sentence is a vengeance movie starring Kevin Bacon and directed by James Wan, who also gave the world Saw. James Wan is your boyfriend. Anyway, the basic story is that Kevin Bacon’s son gets killed right in front of him in a “gang initiation murder” at a gas station. Oh, btw, he gets killed WITH A MACHETE. Instead of pressing charges, Bacon decides to take matters into his own hands (the only respectable thing about this movie) but it turns out the guy who killed his son, who he kills, is the younger brother of the gang’s leader, so that starts a war with the gang. Right. Totally. It’s basically what you read about in the paper every day but are TOO BLINDED by your MIDDLE CLASS existence to see, SHEEPLE.

Everything about this movie is ridiculous. For example, Kevin Bacon is a family man who works as the VP at some kind of investment firm, but it turns out he’s also really good at close quarters combat. Like, at one point he’s smashing a guy’s face into a bar with one hand, and knocking someone unconscious with the other hand, which is wrapped in bandages. You know, dad stuff. He speaks really offensive colloquial Spanish all of a sudden when the movie’s almost over but he needs some important information. He buys some guns but has to read the manual because he doesn’t know how to use them, but as soon as he’s done reading the manual HE’S SO GOOD AT GUNS. Did I mention that his son gets killed by a machete?

Not to mention the acting, which was just really aces from everyone involved. They read the manual on acting and the next thing you knew, they were so good at acting. And the neck tattoos. They should create an Oscar just for neck tattoos so that this movie can get the awards it deserves.

I don’t want to spoil the movie, but I also don’t want you to have to see the movie, so here is the ending. Please note the following: astonishingly realistic gun battle including super realistic “multiple fingers severed by single bullet”, the deep significance of how when you murder someone’s entire family it makes them shave their head and buy a gun and how that’s basically what gang members experience on the street every day, THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND. But in all seriousness, this is the last 4 minutes of the movie, so if I’m really bad at my job and you are not convinced that you should save that spot in your Netflix queue for something, anything, other than this (DORA THE EXPLORER) then do not watch.

It’s like James Wan was going to watch Taxi Driver but then just saw the poster and figured he got the gist of it.

And yet, after all of that, I’m not convinced that this is THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. It might be. It’s in the running. But I think there might be worse out there. So, I’m asking you to help me find it. First, let’s lay out some ground rules:

  1. It cannot be intentionally horrible.
  2. It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. (no “outsider art”)
  3. It cannot be Glitter.

Second, let’s do this. If you suggest a movie, I will watch it and catalog my findings here. We will take this journey of discovery together.