Terminator 4 Is No Fun For The Whole Family

Production begins today on Terminator 4, or Terminator Salvation, and what’s grabbing all the headlines is that the newest installment is looking for a PG-13 rating. Naturally, it raises a few questions about just how effective an apocalyptic robot bent on the destruction of mankind can do so without offending the sensibilities of considerate parents, but it obviously makes sense to try and bring younger viewers into a franchise that most people gave up on in the ’90s. If you’ve already bled your project dry of good will, why not instill a new generation of viewers with the malaise of money-baiting mediocrity. So smart, Hollywood, always. You should give yourself a prop Nobel Prize.

A lot of familiar franchises could be given a fresh start by taking this youth-friendly route.

Saw V
The murderer Jigsaw decides that the best way to teach people a lesson about not taking the beauty of life for granted is to take them all on a ropes course in the Adirondacks. A businessman, a college student, and a plastic surgeon will be forced to work together to scale a ten foot wall without any equipment, and to get from one tree-mounted platform to another using just a rope, a bucket, and their newly developed comraderie.

Last Tango In Paris 2
An American expatriot living in Paris meets a young woman who is about to be married. Recognizing the ill-timing of their chance encounter, they spend a cautious, uneventful weekend getting coffee in public places, and learning the true meaning of friendship without sexual anticipation. Touching each other’s bodies may be off limits, but that won’t stop them from touching each other’s hearts.

R2: Reservoir Dogs Judgement Day
In the grand tradition of Blue Streak and The Ladykillers, this wacky heist caper brings back the old team of Mr. White, Mr. Orange, Mr. Blonde, and Mr. Pink. They’ve got 30 days to pay the bank $50,000 or their grandma will get evicted from her warehouse, and they’ll do whatever it takes to get it, as long as its non-violent and the only ones harmed are the executive boards of large companies who can suffer the financial loss.

Bang Bus: Safe Consensual Mature Adult Relationship
The guys on Bang Bus pick up some hot looking women they find on the street, and drive them around town looking for guys who might be willing to commit to them, and give them the three-dimensionally fulfilling relationship that eludes so many of us in modern society. These girls are willing to do anything fo find someone who respects them as a human being, and gratifies their minds as well as providing physical intimacy that goes beyond sex.