Ironic Ways For David Blaine To Die

David Blaine is on Oprah right now, and he’s not going to die or have brain damage because it taped yesterday and we would already know. Oprah just announced that this is the first show for which her boyfriend Stedman has ever asked to be in the audience (not a Tom Cruise or free car fan, I guess.) The “endurance artist,” who has fasted, stood on a pillar for 35 hours, lived under ice, and accomplished other feats that are extremely boring to watch, will attempt to break the world record for holding his breath (currently 16 minutes and 32 seconds.) I was wondering, though: what if David Blaine did die yesterday, but not from holding his breath for too long? So here are some ironic ways for David Blaine to die:

  • In a car accident leaving the set of Oprah
  • Somehow falling onto the top of a pillar in a freak accident and being unable to remain atop it for the 36 hours it takes for help to arrive.
  • Drowning in his own bathtub
  • Bunny rabbit allergy attack
  • Falling through the ice while ice skating and being unable to hold his breath for the 17 minutes it takes for help to arrive.
  • MRSA-infected paper cut sustained during card trick
  • Bored to death watching himself on Oprah
  • Murdered by Stedman
  • Morbid obesity
  • Old age

Runner up: my friend Andrew who doesn’t know what irony is: “Killed by a wizard!”