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David Blaine, Your Boyfriend, To Appear On Oprah

David Blaine is your boyfriend, and he’s going to perform his next magic trick on Oprah today. The AP has an article about it. I’m posting a long excerpt because there are so many things wrong with your boyfriend and I can’t believe you love him and want to marry him:

Even though Blaine has sometimes attracted thousands of spectators to what he likes to think of as his “performance pieces,” he told The Associated Press on Tuesday that it will be a challenge to break a record requiring him to remain still and calm amid the hubbub of a live studio audience.

Still, he said, the crowds have always contributed to his success.

“When you commit to it and there’s people watching, you kind of have to stick to it. You can’t back out, you can’t fade away and you can’t cheat,” he said.

No, David Blaine!

“The hubbub of a live studio audience”? Thank God that is the work of the reporter and not a direct quote, or else David Blaine’s next illusion would have to be dodging bullets. From a gun. Because that’s retarded. I also like how he pretends that the real challenge is going to be being in front of all those people and having to focus. No, David Blaine. The real challenge is HOLDING YOUR BREATH FOR SEVENTEEN MINUTES. Anyone can master the illusion of being on Oprah.

Also, are you sure you can’t cheat just because people are watching? I thought that’s what magic was? Learning how to cheat while people were watching. Don’t magic my brain with your word illusions, David Blaine. I can’t believe you have sex with this guy.