M/F/K: “The Real Housewives Of New York” Season Finale

Last night, as promised, one of the housewives died, and we finally learned what was in the hatch (money). Just kidding! That was a joke! Those things didn’t happen! But near the beginning of the season, I played Marry/Fuck/Kill with the cast of the show using only their on-line profiles to guide me. Now, after weeks of fascinating (not really) views into these (horrible) women’s fabulous (not really) lives, it’s time to see if anything’s changed.

At the end of last night’s show, we were given a brief American Graffiti-style post-script description of what’s happened with the housewives (and Bethenny) since taping ended.

“Alex and Simon are pleased to announce that Francois will attend Kindergarten at one of the best public schools in Brooklyn.”

Kill. One of the hardest aspects of watching this show has been deciding who I hate the most. I’m not even sure how Alex and her husband got on this show considering the fact that their house is a squatter’s hovel, and they live five blocks from ME. But with all of their false pretentions, shittily named children and nude photos (which, seriously, no. Even your gay husband doesn’t want to see that.) I’m not even sure kill is the correct answer because you’d still have to be in the same room with her at some point. But if we were playing Marry/Fuck/Kill/Pretend Doesn’t Exist I would win.

“Bethenny landed a multi book deal starting March of ’09. Jason finally asked her to move in. She wants to wait until they’re engaged and move downtown.

Marry. You know what, Spike’s ridiculous hats off to Bethenny. She was an odds on favorite for “kill” at the beginning of the show, but she proved me wrong. Granted, she’s not even a wife, much less a housewife, so maybe that’s why I liked her, because she shouldn’t have been on the show in the first place. And while she’s definitely horrible, she was also ambitious, largely considerate of other people’s feelings, and the least P-faced (Plastic-faced) of the bunch (I’m looking at you, Ramona, and puking).

“Jill and Ally recently visited an orphanage in the Dominican Republic to bring them much needed supplies. She and Bobby plan to take a luxury cruise in the Mediterranean in August and take their socializing out to sea.”

Fuck.Jill’s position remains exactly the same as when we started, so I’ll just copy and paste that result here: I don’t really want to fuck her because I have eyes and can see her face. But for that same reason, I’m definitely not going to marry her, and she seems too nice to kill. A classic M/F/K quandry. At least I might be able to get some nice stuff for my apartment out of it, and we could go out with her celebrity friends and everyone would be like “Jill Zarin is a fucking cougar” and I would be like “More champagne please, Robin Williams.”

“LuAnn is currently writing a book on manners and etiquette and continues to visit the Count in Switzerland despite the family’s last bout with Swiss lice.”

Fuck. It’s hard to measure the depths of my dislike for “The Cuntess.” Every episode offered another instance of her insufferable self-importance, incessant statusing of everyone around her, and negligence as a mother. But all the things that made her so despicable also made her entirely fuckable. Someone has to. Lord knows “the Count” isn’t doing it.

“Ramona has started a skin care line coming out in August of this year to help women look as fabulous as she does.”

Kill. Wow, I was really wrong about Ramona. Definitely kill. You’d have to do it the right way, though. You can’t just throw her in the river, all the Botox would make the body float to the surface. Probably the easiest way is to just go into her attic and cut up the magical portrait of her that has kept her from aging by hiding her true ugliness. Just kidding, Ramona’s so ugly!