Everyone’s secret favorite livejournal community ohnotheydidn’t broke the news yesterday that a careful examination of the track listing for the John Williams composed soundtrack to the new Indiana Jones movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull may contain spoilers. Even without spending too much time looking at the track names, you can see that they’re pretty straight forward:
01 “Raiders March”
02 “Call Of the Crystal”
03 “The Adventures of Mutt”
04 “Irina’s Theme”
05 “The Snake Pit”
06 “The Spell of the Skull”
07 “A Whirl Through Academe”
08 “The Journey To Akator”
10 “The Jungle Chase”
11 “Orellana’s Cradle”
12 “Grave Robbers”
13 “Hidden Treasure and the City of Gold”
14 “Secret Doors And Scorpions”
15 “Oxley’s Dilemma”
17 “Temple Ruins and the Secret Revealed”
18 “The Departure”
But when you compare them with the leaked plot synopsis you can save ten dollars because the movie is basically ruined.
Plot Synopsis: When we catch up with Indy, he’s on a Raiders March through the jungle, following the Call of the Crystal, which is told of in an ancient myth about a magical crystal that all the archaeologists want but only Indy knows the location of. Since the last film, he has made friends with a little dog Mutt. In a brief flashback, viewers are treated to some of The Adventures of Mutt. Mutt is so funny and has so many adventures. Meanwhile, Indy’s girlfriend back home, Irina, is worried about him. Whenever Indy leaves on a long journey, she sits in their bedroom listening to a mixtape over and over again that Indy made for her called Irina’s Theme.
Halfway through the jungle, Indy stops in a biker bar called The Snake Pit. There, he encounters a wizard named Gandalf who puts him under The Spell of the Skull. One of the side effects of the spell is that Indy has vivid, almost lifelike flashbacks from his days as a graduate student in modern dance. He tried to combine comparative literature with interpretive choreography and titled his thesis A Whirl Through Academe. When Indy awakes from his nightmare, he is in the jungle free clinic. A doctor tells Indy that the only way to break the spell of the skull is to visit a specialist in Akator. On The Journey to Akator, Indy and Mutt play Sudoku together all through the flight. The doctor in Akator breaks the spell, and the exchange rate in Akator is very good.
Indy comes back to America, but there is a spelling error on his ticket that says “Retorn” instead of “Return”. But an American Airline employee gives him a new ticket and it’s fine. Indy goes to the jungle, though, because that’s where he’s most comfortable. No one will let him just enjoy the jungle. These skateboard kids start teasing him and chasing him on their skateboards. Indy trips during The Jungle Chase and skins his knee. In the jungle emergency room he is placed in Orellana’s Cradle while his knee heals. All better, Indy is walking home and he sees some Grave Robbers robbing graves. He’s like, “Hey, cut it out!” The grave robbers run away. Indy is a hero. He’s given a key to the city. That night, still excited from his success, he reads Mutt a children’s story called Hidden Treasure and the City of Gold to help him go to sleep.
With all the attention he receives for stopping the grave robbers, Indy gets jobs making advertisements for local car dealerships, and uses the money to buy a new apartment. But he hates his new apartment because it’s full of Secret Doors and Scorpions. His friend Oxley calls him on the telephone and talks about his problems, but Indy is an archaeologist and can’t help Oxley with Oxley’s Dilemma. They hang up the phone. Indy goes into the kitchen. Ants! There’s ants all over the place. He needs to keep his kitchen cleaner, Indy reminds himself. Before bed, Indy opens the book he is reading, Temple Ruins and the Secret Revealed, but he can only get through two paragraphs before The Departure into sleep. John Williams’s “Finale” plays over the credits.