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Fan Fiction Pro Tips For The Professional Fan

As a fan of movies and TV (I should start a blog!), I’m also a huge fan of the messy outsider art that is fan fiction. Who doesn’t want to read alternate adventures of our favorite characters written by middle aged superfans living in their parents’ basement? The internet’s premier source for fan fiction would be fanfiction.net, but obviously you can find great fan fiction anywhere. It’s all around us, in our homes, our cars, even our offices. One of my favorite fan fiction stories in recent times is this amazing piece in which Stephen Colbert is a character on Season One of The Wire. So smart. Whoever did that, you’re a genius. I hate you.

Anyhow, I sometimes dabble with fan fiction myself, and hopefully I will share some of that right here on Videogum soon! (If there’s time, Friday is my last day here. It’s been great. I can’t tell you how much I learned working with Lindsay today. I’ll miss all of you guys.) That’s why I was very excited to get some professional tips on how to write fan fiction from a website called englishchick.com (via BaseballNooby). After the jump, some of my favorite pro-tips.

Actually, they’re all my favorites. At least the sex ones. Here’s the sex ones:

* “That doesn’t go there,” aka a position that isn’t possible.

* Lack of lube in anal sex. Or, to put it more succinctly as one of our members once did, “treating anal sex like PIV.” Also, using something as a lube that wouldn’t really provide enough lubrication, such as water, saliva, or (ew!) blood.

* Women being aroused and climaxing way too easily.

* Men achieving erection way too easily, or men who can achieve erection again and again, and have orgasm after orgasm.

* Women having “taught thighs.”

* Sex cliches, especially combat imagery during kissing, e.g. “Their tongues did battle” or “Their tongues wrestled.”

* Stupid or cutesy words for sex parts, such as “mounds” (for breasts) or “man-meat” (for penises).

* Use of the verb “impale” when a penis enters an orifice.

* Women who, on TV, are virgins or sexually inexperienced (such as most of the teenage girls on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) being fellatio experts.

* Women who have never had a homosexual experience before being experts at cunnilingus.

* Men who have never had a homosexual experience before being fellatio experts.

* A man who has never had a homosexual experience before being able to take a large penis up his ass without any trouble or preparation.

* A female character having much larger breasts than the actress who plays her.

* A male character having an unbelievably large penis. (Okay, this isn’t technically an error, but it turns us off.)

So true. My fanfic will be so sharp from here on out.