Mariah Carey Lives Every Day Of Her Life Like It’s Shark Week

MTV buried the lede on this one.

When “Rush Hour” director Brett Ratner isn’t busy with big-screen projects, he takes a trip to the small screen — at least when Mariah Carey comes calling. The filmmaker called in to Ryan Seacrest’s Los Angeles radio show to talk about his upcoming video for Carey’s latest single, “Touch My Body.” Instead of going the serious route (as he did on Mimi’s “We Belong Together” clip, starring Wentworth Miller from “Prison Break”), Ratner opted for a funny video. “Mariah is hysterical, and this record is kind of funny,” Ratner said. “There’s no way we could do a video with a cute guy and [Mariah], so … we got one of the funniest guys in the world: Jack McBrayer from ’30 Rock.’ ” The video shows McBrayer imagining what it would be like to be with Mariah, who, according to Ratner, “looks better than she’s ever looked.”


You know what they say, two wrongs don’t make a right, but one untalented misogynistic wrong and one dance-able un-self-aware pop-star who refers to herself constantly in the third person sometimes-wrong could make a potential right. I haven’t seen the video yet, obs, but Jack McBrayer is great, and I’m sure a talented director like Ratner would have no problem capturing exactly what it would be like to “be with” Mariah Carey.


Jack sits on a black leather sofa flipping through a copy of Hollywood Reporter, waiting for Mimi to finish with her pitch meeting for a new line of edible nail polish. Five hours go by. Mimi finally exits and walks right by Jack. He scurries up beside her, tossing off the insult of being ignored.


How did it go?


Are you a latte?



Mimi leans in and tries to take a sip from the top of Jack’s head, then shrugs.


Do you think that Mariah Carey is the prettiest?


Of course I do.


I’m going to buy all the pillows in the world and have M’s embroidered on them, and then I’m just going to live inside of a pillow and I’m going to look like a pillow.

Jack remains silent and waits for the moment of delusion to pass.


What is this? Ooh, jam!

Mimi shows Jack her hand, which is covered in blood. She has been shot by a sniper’s bullet. The sniper packs up his weapon, throws his fake moustache in the garbage, and returns to his bedroom, where his sweatpants and a full day of blogging await.

And scene.

Anyway, I want to see this video when it comes out. Right, guys?