M/F/K: The Real Housewives Of New York

Following in the stilettoed footsteps of the popular (is it actually?) Bravo reality series The Real Housewives of Orange County is the grittier but no less white The Real Housewives of New York. The new batch of ladies are as venal and entitled, if not more so, but without all the wearying sweet death that seems to hover over most of southern California. It is awesome in a way that the original is not because let’s face it, if you’re super rich in New York, you still have to smell piss all the time.

If you haven’t spent a Tuesday night with these ladies yet, go meet them now at Bravo’s website. Throughout the season, we’ll play Marry/Fuck/Kill with these precious snowflakes, and see if the more we get to know them as people the more we want to marry, fuck, or kill them. My guess is that by the end of the season it’s largely the latter, with maybe some hate-fucking thrown in for spite.

“An up-and-comer in New York society, Alex McCord is a high-powered career woman juggling two children, a husband, and a thriving social calendar. Her children take music, art, swimming and French classes, and their live-in Au Pair only speaks French to them, in hopes the kids will soon be bilingual. In addition to her busy career and social life, Alex is a former actress and model, and currently a graphic designer within the visual merchandising world.”

Marry. As an “up-and-comer,” hopefully McCord doesn’t have too much of the acidic baggage of competing in whatever kind of pre-death status nightmares these people all see to have to engage in as a matter of course. And the fact that after being an actress and model (blow your brains out), and then marrying someone rich, she still works as a graphic designer implies an active, creative mind. I said “implies.”

“Bethenny Frankel is a single Manhattan woman in her 30s with a burgeoning career as a natural foods chef, a Wall Street boyfriend with three children, and is a staple on the New York social scene. She is a celebrity chef who owns her own company, Bethenny Bakes, has a health column in Hamptons Magazine, is a TV spokesitem for Health Magazine and for Pepperidge Farms’ new line of healthy foods, and was a runner-up on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Her main focus these days is settling down and starting a family.”

Kill. For one, she looks insanely killable. The judge would be like “Eh, I don’t know, she very likely deserved it. You’re free to go.” Also, a staple of the New York social scene? Gross. A column in Hamptons Magazine? Grosser. Runner-up on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart? Grossest. Also, notice how she’s single but is on a show (her second reality endeavor) about housewives? How does that work? And while I love eating and good cooking, she looks like she would be a real ball-buster about it and just serve me hot dogs and potato chips on paper plates, saving the real food for people she wanted to actually impress.

“Jill Zarin is the quintessential New York woman. She is a regular on the Manhattan social circuit, as well as an accomplished businesswoman and a talented photographer. Jill is married to Bobby Zarin, a successful entrepreneur, and together they operate Zarin Fabrics and Home Furnishings. Jill is also involved in numerous charities and counts many celebrities among her friends. A permanent fixture in the Hamptons as well as Manhattan, Jill juggles her career with being a mother to her daughter Allyson and her stepchildren David (and his wife Jill), Jennifer and Jonathan.”

Fuck. I don’t really want to fuck her because I have eyes and can see her face. But for that same reason, I’m definitely not going to marry her, and she seems too nice to kill. A classic M/F/K quandry. At least I might be able to get some nice stuff for my apartment out of it, and we could go out with her celebrity friends and everyone would be like “Jill Zarin is a fucking cougar” and I would be like “More champagne please, Robin Williams.”

“LuAnn De Lesseps is a real-life Countess. Her husband, Alexandre Count de Lesseps, is a French aristocrat (of the Suez Canal dynasty). With LuAnn’s Countess title comes a great sense of pride — the de Lesseps presented New York City with the Statue of Liberty. She uses her title to help with her various charities and is a socialite very much in demand, as well as a busy mom of two. The de Lesseps travel extensively around the world, with trips to exotic locales in Italy, Switzerland, France and Africa. She also teaches etiquette on morning television shows and has a local cable show on WVVH-TV in the Hamptons called ‘The Countess Report.'”

Marry. She’s a real-life Countess, son. Then Kill. No pre-nup, son.

“Ramona Singer is a busy entrepreneur. She owns her own business, R.M.S. Fashions, a jewelry line,, a clothing line, ‘True Faith,’ and is developing a skin care line as well. She and her husband Mario, a third generation jeweler, and their 13-year-old daughter Avery, live in a striking four-bedroom condo in the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They also have a beautiful second home in Southampton directly on the water. Ramona is an avid tennis player and loves to entertain and is constantly organizing dinner parties and social events.”

Fuck. Look at her. What else are you going to do? Play tennis? Fuck you. You just know that she is going to be a nightmare, you can tell by the way in which she clutches her fur collar around her neck to keep out the elements. She thinks she’s too good for me? I’ll show her. She’ll know. Um, this part of the post has taken a really dark turn, so let’s just leave it at I don’t play tennis.