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Rock Of Love 2: I Like A Man In Uniform

Every reality show has its share of mentally questionable contestants, but not always for the same reason. On VH1’s Rock of Love, the girls compete to see who can act more like an emotionally stunted 14-year-old already budding with the knowledge that she will need to exploit their own sexuality to survive. Literally, all of these women should be dead. These are the instants of their stunted adolescence…

Inna
This week is about Inna, who Brett thinks “needs to step up to the plate and take a swing”*. She sees him by the pool and talks about how hard it is to “like like” someone and see them forming a connection with other girls. Totes. It’s totes hard.

Megan
This week the girls’ challenge is to perform a USO show, because Brett is really patriotic and it’s important to him that whoever he chooses to spend the downtime between seasons 2 and 3 with are willing to exploit their sexuality as a governmentally-sponsored recreational activity for soldiers. Megan and Jessica are going to cite the preamble to the U.S. Constitution while doing hula-hoop. Megan is having some trouble with the recitation because she hasn’t heard most of the words before, but she’s still confident that she’s going to win because she looks so cute. Sure. Because having a third grade reading level is just a funny little quirk that makes you you. And hula hooping is very sexually arousing to men.

Megan and Jessica
When Megan and Jessica get nervous that reciting the preamble to the U.S. Constitution while hula hooping with only a kindergarten education won’t be enough, they decide to do a strip tease first. Brett enjoys this because of how much he supports the troops (every rose has a kill yourself, Brett Michaels).

Ambre
After the USO show, Brett serves a delicious Olive Garden feast for all the girls, and asks them to please discuss who is on the show for the right reasons, and who is on the show for the wrong reasons. He is visibly distressed when Megan, Jessica, and Inna all offer lukewarm answers about how they don’t know most of the girls well enough. Ladies, this is what you are here for, to abandon any semblance of emotional or social maturity, and tear each other’s hair out with reckless abandon for the fleeting approval of a mentally sixteen-year-old balding disaster. Finally, Ambre decides to “say some truth,” and take Kristy Joe to the mat. Ambre hates when she doesn’t see “the realness.” Good. With the blood in the water, all the shark girls go at it. Planet Earth, son!

Destiney
“It angers me that Kristy Joe feels that she doesn’t have to explain herself to anybody.” Well, Destiney, there is one very special group of adults with this privilege. They’re called adults.

All of the Girls
display astonishingly sad levels of self worth during the elimination ceremony, as evidenced by their post-ceremony interviews on how they felt getting their passes:

Ambre: “I could not believe I got the first pass, especially after last night. But wow, it feels great.”
Destiney: “When Brett says to me that he knows I’m here for him and that I’m fighting for him, that made me feel really good inside, and that made me feel a lot more secure about our relationship.”
Jessica: “I felt that I should get that pass, and I can’t wait for another date with Brett.”
Megan: “I’m so relieved that I finally got my pass and Brett tells me what a great date he had with me.”
Daisey: “It felt like I was up there for a hundred million years. There’s no doubt in my mind, I’m gonna stay with him forever.”
“For right now, I feel good I got a pass, but it still doesn’t resolve any of our issues.” (OK, that one is weird. Two weeks of detention, Kristy Joe. You just sit there and don’t think about what you’ve done, because thinking is against the rules.)

Next week: the girls shoot music videos and yell at each other. This show is so full of surprises.

*There should be a reality show called “Step Up To The Plate” in which everyone who has ever been on reality TV ever has to compete to see who can say “step up to the plate” the most. This is said so much.