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Heidi Montag’s Parents Just Don’t Understand

As someone who has championed The Hills to many of his skeptical Dinosaur Jr. friends, last night’s season 4 premiere made me more than a little nervous. Whoops, sorry guys. I’m sure once Lauren and Whitney get back from Paris, France (or should I say Boring, France) and Heid and Spencer SPOILER ALERT return from Crested Butte, Colorado, then everything will turn back to insipid Venti Back-Stabby Soy Latte normal .

That being said, for those of us who have watched the show before and need no special convincing, last night’s dinner scene offered something special.

The assumption one makes in most reality television is that the participants’ parents must be dead, how else to explain their willingness to debase themselves for a national audience without the concurrent honor suicide demanded by a family with such shame brought upon them? But when Heidi needs a break from Spencer, she heads home to Colorado, assumedly under the impression that TV cameras implode upon crossing the Arizona border. No such luck for the older Montags, who are sadly ensnared in what has to be the most painful misogynistic manipulation fest seen on television since…have they ever broadcast Dogville on TV?

  • Confused/disturbed facial expressions? Check.

  • Unwillingness to be drawn into fake soap opera dialogue that stands as a signifier for the human emotional life that was abandoned in season 2? Check.

  • Visible proof that Heidi Montag was actually born of a human woman, confirming that she is the hybrid beast of Alien: Ressurection? Check.

  • Superhuman strength required not to reach across the table and snap Spencer Pratt’s head in a 540 degree turn around his neck? CHECK.