Double Dog: Saw Marathon Makes My Eyes Bleed, Literally
The Challenge: To watch all four Saw movies in a row with no breaks.
The Result: Possible impending eye surgery, Post-Traumatic Stress, Hatred of Gabe.
One of the things I like to say to be obnoxious is: “I don’t watch violent movies. In 1999 I re-sensitized myself to violence.” But it’s more or less true: I don’t like violent anything. Or anything gross. Knowing this, and the neat trivia fact that I once tried to watch Saw 3 and ended up vomiting in front of people, Gabe chose to force me to view all 412 minutes of the Saw franchise, uninterrupted, as my first Double Dog challenge. If the Saw movies are about appreciating your life, they worked, because I now appreciate the life I had before the Saw movies.
Ground rules: I can’t turn off the movies, but I can have friends over to “proctor” my ordeal. But all of my friends are at work, so I choose one, Stephanie, to bother the entire day on instant messenger. Note: if you think this is going to be about the Saw movies, it’s not. It’s about the liveblogging of emotional stress.
Saw 1: 103 minutes
Lindsay: This isn’t that bad. This is just going to be boring. Yawn.
Stephanie: No, it’s gonna fuck you up, I told you not to do it.
Lindsay: Uh-uh, I’ll just put up an emotional wall. Look, it’s Westley!
(half an hour later)
Lindsay: Nevermind! This is going to be like doing acid for the 7th time: from now on I will be “legally insane.”
Lindsay: I found an old Klonopin. I wonder if I’m allowed to take it.
(Checking in with Gabe)
Lindsay: Am I allowed to take a Klonopin?
Gabe: What is that and no.
Lindsay: It’s like Valium.
Gabe: No, you may not take it. Stop iming and watch the movies.
Lindsay: I hate you.
What I learned from Saw I: this Jigsaw guy cares more about teaching random strangers to appreciate their lives than I have ever cared about anything, ever.
Saw II : 93 minutes
Lindsay: I have an idea for the plot of the next Saw movie: someone is forced to watch these movies on repeat for three days, and the only way to stop it is to gouge out their own eyes with a provided rusty mellon baller.
Lindsay: A chick just fell into a tub of syringes. And I didn’t even flinch. In fact, it was kind of satisfying, like when someone really eats it on America’s Funniest Videos.
Lindsay: What if I’m never the same after this?
Stephanie: You’ll be like John McCain. Remember when you puked?
Lindsay: Yes and I’m not going to OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? (Actually yelling this while typing)
Lindsay: This wild boar hog head thing that’s gonna haunt my nightmares. Don’t worry about it.
What I learned from Saw II: Seriously, what the fuck is that??
Saw III: 121 minutes
Stephanie: Have you thrown up yet?
Lindsay: No, but I haven’t gotten to the man-drowns-in-liquefied-dead-hog-guts part yet. I have a bucket next to me, though.
(I got to the man-drowns-in-liquefied-dead-hog-guts part):
Lindsay: I dry-heaved a little, but I didn’t puke!!
Lindsay: I had an epiphany that the main gross-out power of these movies is in the sound effects. Like, their sound guy just stirred macaroni and cheese a bunch of different ways in front of a microphone.
Stephanie: That’s a great “epiphany”
What I learned from Saw III: If you don’t let go of your anger and forgive, your wife’s head will get blown off. Also, there was something grosser than anything my imagination could conjure, and it was liquefied dead pig guts.
Saw IV: 95 minutes
Lindsay: Hey, it’s Donnie Wahlberg from Saw II! And he’s gained a ton of weight…during the time he’s been being…tortured?
Lindsay: Jigsaw looks like Jonathan Ames.
Stephanie: I love how you just say “Jigsaw” like everyone knows who that is.
Lindsay: He’s my old friend now. He’s with me for life. Like Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Lindsay: I’m rocking back and forth and singing songs in my head.
Lindsay: Like Shiny Happy People and Everybody Hurts.
Lindsay: It is over. Final frame. It is finished.
What I learned from Saw IV: I guess I learned that I’m going to have nightmares for at least the next few weeks, and that Gabe sucks.
The next morning, I woke up with my left eye swollen shut. After four hours at the doctor’s office, I learned that I have an eye irritation that might require surgery. This is what it can look like if it gets really bad (photo from Google, this is not me):
FINAL THOUGHTS: In Saw III, I learned that revenge is bad and forgiveness is good, but I cannot forgive Gabe. I’ve already started work on his Double Dog challenge, and it’s going to be HUMILIATIONS GALORE. Not like his last one, which was so incredibly easy.