Over the weekend, news of Kim Gordon supposedly getting bitten by a coyote in the parking lot of the 365 By Whole Foods store in Silverlake, Los Angeles shocked the nation. According to LAist, the story was first reported by @wholefoodssilverlake, an Instagram account that purports to officially represent the supermarket. “We at 365 silverlake would like to formally apologize @kimletgordon local silverlake resident and former bass player of Sonic Youth who was bit by a coyote in our parking lot this afternoon,” the caption of the initial post read. “Kim, we are taking this situation very seriously and are contracting a team to take care of the recent coyote problem. We wish you a speedy recovery and hope you return to shop with us again soon.”
We at 365 silverlake would like to formally apologize @kimletgordon local silverlake resident and former bass player of Sonic Youth who was bit by a coyote in our parking lot this afternoon. Kim, we are taking this situation very seriously and are contracting a team to take care of the recent coyote problem. We wish you a speedy recovery and hope you return to shop with us again soon. 365 shoppers, if you see any coyotes wandering in or around the store please inform one of our team members immediately. Thank you
Kim Gordon herself, however, denied that the savage attack had taken place, and subsequent, more ridiculous posts from the @wholefoodssilverlake account made it clear that the whole incident was just a joke:
— Kim Gordon (@KimletGordon) May 29, 2016
Neighbors: we have received many complaints and calls regarding the humane treatment of the filthy coyotes that have been terrorizing kim. In response we at 365, along with Bill and Ron have developed a 6 point strategic attack to solve the critter problem and protect kim gordon. We will be executing this plan at sundown, if you plan on shopping around this time please do not interfere and stay away from the cloud of calming herbs. @kimletgordon please stay indoors while we execute this but please come by later for step 6. Seriously come hang! Beers on me, i owe you bigtime for all of the stress and pain caused by those filthy, pesky, disgusting coyotes. Brewskis on me! Lets hang out haha if youre busy no big deal, im totally around all the time like honestly any time. Sorry again everyone, the coyotes will not be harmed.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! But not with a few hiccups thats for sure! Haha phew, another memorable day at 365 by Whole Foods! @kimletgordon its safe to come out now, this rascal is officially, HUMANELY, trapped in silverlake wine! Which makes me think, if the Cincinnati zoo had just taken a minute to develop a 6 point plan or even just used some calming herbs, perhaps they could have avoided the horrible #harambe tragedy. Senseless. Anyway, Kim, we hope you shop with us again soon! So sorry about this whole thing. @silverlakewine give bill or ron a call if you have any questions after memorial day when you re-open. There is a live coyote in your store and unless you have some fresh organic meat lying around, he is going to be leaving off of sauvignon blanc and napa valley cabarnet for the next 48 hours and i DONT think he will be happy to see you Wednesday morning!
As Janette Rizk, who works in the PR department at Whole Foods, tells LAist, “The account is a humorous spoof and not affiliated with 365 By Whole Foods Market. We are taking steps via Instagram’s formal channels to have it removed.”
— 365byWholeFoods (@365byWholeFoods) May 30, 2016
So now we can all sleep soundly tonight, secure in the knowledge that Kim Gordon was not in fact bitten by a coyote in a Whole Foods parking lot. Phew!