Jewel Burns Rob Lowe, Ann Coulter, & Peyton Manning On Comedy Central Roast

Last night Comedy Central aired its roast of actor Rob Lowe and the dais included some unlikely personalities: conservative political commentator Ann Coulter, former Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, and singer-songwriter Jewel. Comedians David Spade, Pete Davidson, Jimmy Carr, Nikki Glaser, Rob Riggle, and Jeff Ross (dressed as Prince) performed too, along with Lowe’s The Outsiders co-star Ralph Macchio. Apparently Jewel appeared opposite the guest of honor in a short-lived NBC legal drama called The Lyon’s Den in 2003. Unlike Coulter, Jewel got jokes!

“People may be wondering what my connection is to Rob,” she said. “Well, years ago I was cast in a show called Lyon’s Den. I’m sure none of you saw it, because it starred Rob Lowe. The first script said that Rob and I had to kiss, but I asked if they could rewrite it, because I knew where that mouth had been. But they said no, and I had to do it, so I was fired from the show for not being excited about sucking his face…”

She closed by singing about being the underage girl in the Brat Packer’s infamous sex tape, to the tune of her “You Were Meant For Me.”

“Rob you are such a whore. / You completely forgot we hooked up before. / You showed me your penis / when I was just sixteen-ish. Back in 1988. / I was the girl on your sex tape. Maybe you missed my name / because you were high on so much cocaine. Out of all your films / I’m the best thing you were ever in.”

She also delivered these one-liners:

  • Jewel on David Spade: “You all know his assistant tried to kill him. I guess the stress of answering the phone twice a month finally got to him.”
  • Jewel on Ralph Macchio: “Who doesn’t love Ralph Macchio? Bill collectors. And actual karate masters. And real actors. Italians. You know: people.”
  • Jewel on Rob Riggle: “You look like every dad who can’t handle having a gay son.”
  • Jewel on Peyton Manning: “Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out there making his dad proud.”

The other roasters got in some Jewel burns.

  • “The only thing shorter than David Spade is Jewel’s greatest hits album.” – Rob Riggle
  • “Jewel is here. Or as I call her: Trailer Swift.” – NIkki Glaser
  • “Jewel has performed for the Pope. In fact, it’s the reason the Pope insists on being in a sound-proof glass box.” – Rob Lowe

Here’s Nikki Glaser clowning on Jewel’s teeth:

After the taping the singer told USA Today, “I do a lot of skits and really strange characters [at my shows], so it was fun to have the opportunity tonight to kind of show a little bit of it.”

I might have to go to a Jewel show now?

UPDATE: Here’s the whole Jewel segment via Vulture