Late last year, Eminem released his more-or-less unlistenable new album Revival. The album hasn’t spawned a real hit yet, so we knew he would eventually turn the godawful Ed Sheeran collab “River” into a single. The day that we dreaded is finally here. The new “River” video is seven minutes long, and it’s constructed, for some reason, as a fake documentary, with Em talking about his latest relationship woes. And like the song, the video tells the story of Eminem having an affair with a married woman, getting her pregnant, and attempting to pressure her into getting an abortion. Also: Ed Sheeran singing emotionally in the rain! Really, everything that you could possibly hope to experience on Valentine’s Day is in this thing. It’s below.