Shut Up, Dude: This Week’s Best Comments

Shut Up, Dude: This Week’s Best Comments

This week we got the 2022 Lollapalooza lineup which features Metallica, Dua Lipa, and the CEO of Goldman Sachs. Joyner Lucas immediately tweeted he wanted off the lineup because he’s in a tiny font on the poster unlike “goofy ass” Machine Gun Kelly. Well, good news Joyner Lucas fans: the rapper has deleted his tweets because they were just lies from Russia.

Joyner Lucas’ favorite children’s book, by the way, is I’m Not Racist Baby.


Score: 23 | Mar 18th

This is my Madonna. When “Take a Bow” came out, I didn’t think it was that amazing, but I liked it. But it absolutely did not, “…evaporate from my brain as soon as I’m done listening to it.” Seriously, that would describe “Justify My Love” and “This Used To Be My Playground”. No, if anything, my love for “Take a Bow” has crept up on me over the years. Sometime in the mid-20-teens I was playing the heck out of this song. It may not be my favorite Madonna song, (I still think that’s “I’ll Remember”, a 10/10) but it has become my favorite #1 of hers.

The song sounds so classy. It’s understated and the music is darned pretty. And it isn’t provocative. Who needs that? After listening to it, I wouldn’t mind listening to it again. An easy 9 for me, and I don’t give many of those out in the 90s.

Posted in: The Number Ones: Madonna’s “Take A Bow”
Golden Kumquat
Score: 24 | Mar 23rd

Hello, longtime reader, first time commenter. I recently finished my own journey through the #1 hits as part of my desire to actually know something about pop culture, and this series has been great for getting further understanding of what was going on in music before I was born.

I actually don’t mind Bryan Adams, most of the time. Like, stuff like Heaven or (Everything I Do) I Do It for You are songs that have enough going on such that I won’t completely tire of them after a listen, even if they get old fast. This song, on the other hand, has is just not a good combination of voice and supposed-to-evoke-Spanish music. You could tell they really wanted both those aspects without thinking about whether they’d make a good match.

Also this song held off the Total Eclipse of the Heart remix, which I would have taken any day since the original Bonnie Tyler song is one of my top-5 #1s of all time.

Posted in: The Number Ones: Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”
Score: 24 | Mar 23rd

Line of the Day:

“I’ve never seen my unborn children in anyone’s eyes, so maybe I’ve just been doing this whole thing wrong. Maybe Bryan Adams knows things that I don’t.”

Vails’s no. 1 least favorite lyric in the history of the Billboard Hot 100:

“When you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman.”

(In case you’re wondering, nos. 2 through 10 are all lines from “Hey Soul Sister”.)

Posted in: The Number Ones: Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”
Ace of Moms Basement
Score: 25 | Mar 21st

… And Out May 22, 1995: “Common People” by Pulp

An all-time great single and a message that only gets more timeless (is that possible?), “Common People” is when pop-rock is a rave. Social commentary as ecstasy, like how ecstasy is the last thing you want to take before going to the grocery store (“I can’t see anyone else smiling in here”). Imagine legions of people jumping, bouncing in time with the beat, laughing and sobbing. Erupting in waterfalls of emotion at the hint of that first falling string figure, the escalation. And the horn, the crescendo…the song as religious experience.

The lyrics that snag a lump in my throat are when Jarvis Cocker levels-up the song’s momentous pathos and declares “You will never understand / how it feels to live your life / with no meaning or control / and with nowhere left to go / you are amazed that they exist / and they burn so bright whist you can only wonder why…” It never fails to make me think about my own privilege, what and who I unfortunately take for granted and shouldn’t…and it’s a song that just never gets old. Different Class is a document for the ages.

Posted in: The Number Ones: Montell Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It”
Score: 26 | Mar 22nd

Kid Rock’s three step process for diplomacy in the Middle East:

– bomb wita bomb 
– da bang da bang
– diggy diggy

Posted in: Kid Rock Says Donald Trump Asked His Advice On North Korea And ISIS
Score: 27 | Mar 23rd

Okay, so I do have the right chromosome situation to comment on this, and this song does not make me melt. In fact, if someone ever told me that they could see their unborn children in my eyes, I would begin edging toward the exit and attempting to surreptitiously dial 911. That is beyond creepy. And let’s not even talk about how much it reduces the woman involved with this asshat (at least in his own mind) to nothing more than an object. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

Posted in: The Number Ones: Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”
Score: 30 | Mar 19th

I just had to sign out/in again. Also, I’m only able to do so from the “head ‘n shoulders” icon at the top right of the page (the red “Sign in to reply” button in the comments section proper has never worked for me).

Posted in: Kanye West Barred From Performing At The Grammys Due To “Concerning Online Behavior,” Rep Confirms
Jeff Bucc-lee
Score: 31 | Mar 24th

“I actually got cancelled for this” says a person talking to [checks notes] Vanity Fair.

Posted in: Grimes Says She Hacked Hipster Runoff
Score: 33 | Mar 23rd

This bilge kept “Common People” from #1!? Thanks, Grandma.

Posted in: The Number Ones: Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”
Phylum of Alexandria!
Score: 34 | Mar 23rd

Q: Have I ever really, really ever tolerated a Bryan Adams song?
A: Yes, but not this one.

Posted in: The Number Ones: Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman”


kvlt of blake
Mar 23rd

If you’re gonna have something called Flannel Nation in goddamn Peeeeeeeeeeeeedro, the least you can do is book a fIREHOSE reunion.

Posted in: ‘90s Alt-Rock Fest Flannel Nation Announces Inaugural Lineup

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