Before this morning, I was blessedly ignorant of all things related to Pawn Stars, the long-running reality series that chronicles whatever’s happening at the World Famous Gold & Silver Pawn Shop in Las Vegas. It’s apparently the highest-rated show on the History Channel? What the hell, man. But then superstar DJ Steve Aoki had to show his face on Pawn Stars, authenticating his autograph on a damn Funko Pop, and now Scott’s got me writing about it. Some mornings are just like that.

So the Steve Aoki Pawn Stars story arc goes like this: Some lady goes into a pawn shop and wants $2,000 for a damn Funko Pop and some damn trading cars that have been autographed by Steve Aoki. Already, this whole thing feels morally objectionable. But then the show’s star Austin “Chumlee” Russell — Wikipedia tells me that he’s usually the comic-relief guy on Pawn Stars — recites an entire damn Steve Aoki press release. Is that what this show is like? People watch this?

In any case, Chumlee decides that he wants to make sure the Steve Aoki autograph is real, so he brings the lady to see Steve Aoki. She doesn’t seem surprised or delighted because this thing is so obviously staged and because she is (presumably) not a professional actor. So Aoki says that it is indeed his autograph, and Chumlee agrees to give the lady $800 for her bullshit, which still feels profoundly unlikely. The implication, I think, is that Chumlee then blows the $1,200 that he didn’t give the lady on grocery-store sheet cake so that he can do a comedy bit about Steve Aoki’s cake-throwing. Look, I’m just telling you what happened. This is journalism. If you feel like subjecting yourself to the same thing, it’s all below.

Meanwhile, Steve Aoki is going to the moon. Can we live in a better simulation, please? This one sucks.