“She Asks Me About My Other Tattoos, I Ask Her About Her Demons”

The last time we sampled hipster erotica, it was a tale of a fantastic tryst with Sufjan (meant to excite the ladies, mind you); Left Of The Dial’s Guide to “Sex-ing” Women In Rock should even the score.

Chan Marshall – Cat Power
We met at a coffee shop of her choice … I brush my hair from my face often. I talk about my poetry, some of which I have inscribed on my back in a tattoo. She asks me about my other tattoos, I ask her about her demons. We discuss past relationships for a couple hours before adjourning to her place to continue. She’s eager to please, I oblige. It’s intense and neither of us are comfortable afterwards. I leave in the middle of the night after scribbling some incoherent gibberish on a piece of paper. She will end up quoting me in one of her songs on the next album.

Alison Mossheart – The Kills
After the drugs kick in we head to a NYC punk dive bar for no other reason than to work up the appetite to desire. She spends the night picking fights with strangers and breaking bottles for no reason. I back her up by making incomprehensible sounds and faces that taunt them to punch me in the face. No one does, I’m with Allison … She takes off all her clothes in the bathroom, emerges, and turns off the light by throwing the lamp through the room’s 4th floor window. She’s excitable and a little violent. Afterwards she decides it more comfortable to sleep naked in the bathtub. I enjoy the extra space in the bed until police arrive to question Allison’s four-story lamp toss. She fights the cops naked. I miss her.

Tegan and Sara – Tegan and Sara
I meet them at a ski lodge while in Vancouver … These two never shut up, it’s adorable … After a couple shots and an attempt to teach the girls darts, we go to my hotel room, as I have an advance copy of the latest Le Tigre album … Things get intense quickly and I barely have time to question these girls’ sexuality. They are freaks, they travel with “equipment.”

The Le Tigre album ends and I am alone and used. I don’t hear from them again, but they’ve somehow added me to their email list which they send often.

Kelly Clarkson – Kelly Clarkson
She invites me to some private promotional engagement for ProActive shareholders. She plays a song, makes a beeline for me hanging out to the side of the makeshift stage and whispers in my ear her eagerness to get the hell out of there. We leave. She takes me to In & Out. Her treat. After a couple burgers (Animal Style) she takes me to her palatial Hollywood Hills estate. She returns in an opened kimono and asks if I have any questions. I have none. She has her way with me. She’s a “dig in the fingernails” kind of girl, rage apparently leftover from the “Since You’ve been Gone” era. Afterwards she asks me to leave. Her boyfriend is coming over in 20 minutes. Discretion is implied. She autographs a t-shirt for my sister and I leave.

Suddenly, Tegan and Sara are looking like viable candidates for Miss(es) Indie Rock 2006.