Demetri Martin’s Music Festival Tips

This month, music magazines (they’re like blogs, but boring and paper) trot out their annual Coachellapaloozaroo guides. If you read some on your flight to Indio, you probably won’t forget sunscreen tomorrow. But if you didn’t pick up the new issue of Spin, you’re missing out on some valuable festival survival tips from Fountains Of Wayne video star Demetri Martin…

MASTER THE FINE ART OF SQUIRRELING
Overeat grotesquely in the days before the festival, like a squirrel loading up for the winter. That way you won’t have to scarf so many $16 gyros once you get there.

BRING AND THROW A BEACH BALL
Music sounds way better when you get clocked in the back of the head with a giant plastic projectile. Plus, the spinning colors look pretty to people who are tripping. It’s nice to give a little something back.

SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION
People used to hoist lighters at concerts when they liked a song. Now it’s cell phones. If you really like a song, go the extra mile by lighting your cell phone on fire and holding it aloft.

BRING SOMEONE PALE AND/OR FANCY
Metrosexuals and goths are both poorly equipped for festival life and therefore can be an entertaining addition to any group. Lonely, high-maintenance people + crowded outdoor arenas = funny. Wagering on the onset of heartstroke is a good way to pass the downtime between bands.

PLAN FOR THE PORTA-POTTY
Get into the line when you don’t have to go, because by the time you get to the front you will. Once you’re inside, apply a binder clip or $40 T-shirt over your nose and try to think about other things, like a meadow or a rain forest, or clouds made out of cotton candy.

Those are Demetri’s “DOs.” Check out Spin for the “DON’Ts” … with illustrations! If you thought drum circles were hell, you don’t wanna know about drum parallelograms.