Parental Advisory: Emo-Obsessed News Reports May Contain Explicit Hysterics

They say “three’s a trend,” so look out parents! This emo-plague has got some legs (in black leggings) and if North Dakota and southern California succumbed to the scare-mongering, who are Utah news teams to resist? Beehive State ABC affiliate offer their investigation into “this underground culture of kids who wear black clothing and hair.” Watch it here (via Gawker).

Or really, don’t, ’cause you know the drill: online tests to see how deep goes your emo (“black like my soul” or “red like blood”?), quotes from kids (“they’re always depressed”), how-to books, the points-for-pain program, the clothes, and the clueless parents. But nestled in there is a quote from counselor Judith Zimmerman:

I think it’s hard to define what’s a fashion statement, and what’s a commitment to a lifestyle.

A momentary lapse of unreason. Then it’s back to detailing the cutting (only for “advanced emos,” grasshopper), the awesome haircuts (“The Gun Shot Wound”!), and the gender bending.

The coup de grâce, though, comes via the suicidal sounds of Ben Gibbard.

With Death Cab’s “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” playing in the background, our fearful narrator says:

Suicide … is also linked to emo culture, where on the internet, in this seemingly sweet song, a young voice sings about killing himself after the death of a lost love.

ON THE INTERNET?? Oh sorry, forgot about Death Cab For Cutie’s exclusive internet-only broadcast rights of their emo-baiting, suicidal songs. Also, thank god nobody told this guy the band’s name is DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. Sadly, the Utah affiliate missed their chance to highlight emo’s latest victim.

UPDATE: Ahh they slipped Spidey in at the start. Sorry ABC, we take it all back — a very well informed, on point news piece it was.