Hey Iowa, Show Us Your Caucus

We haven’t done a metric analysis to determine the size of our Iowan readership, but as a special PSA in the interest of a robust democracy: Get out there and vote! You have like ten minutes left. Maybe you Hawkeyes were reminded by Barack Obama’s new year’s day rally which doubled as Bright Eyes mini-concert (via pitchfork.com, who also remind us that Jeff Tweedy and Cool Kids rock for Barack as well). Or perhaps your urge toward the franchise was tickled by watching Huckabee scab it up on Leno. But make no mistake, the decisions you make today will deeply affect the primary season ahead, particularly for candidates like Romney, Edwards, and those aforementioned. With such a grave decision before you, and one with such lasting consequences, we thought you may need some guidance. And so we present you with the the gift of shift-key averse punditry ala Moby. Behold, the excerpts…

hillary clinton … she’s smart and capable and rational and experienced. but for some reason people just don’t seem to like her very much.

john edwards … he just kind of creeps me out a bit. maybe it’s cos he always looks an airbrushed 1980’s
catalog model. but that shouldn’t disqualify someone from being chief executive even if it does creep me out.

barack obama … first off, he has the single worst name anyone could ever have in the history
of politics ever ever ever … personally i see his terrible name as being kind of a plus, as it really couldn’t
be worse unless his name was satan hitler babyeater … he’s the least experienced of the candidates but he’s also really smart and principled and telegenic.

fred thompson: ha ha haha.

adolph giuliani: again: ha ha ha ha.

mitt romney. sorry. oops, trying to…stay…awake. one more time? who? oh, mitt…romney.

mike huckabee. oh, fuck, he’s the terrifying one. mr charming, ‘i play bass’, ‘gosh i’m folksy and charming’, ‘shucks i’m just a former fat guy who likes puppies’, etc. oh, let’s add some others: ‘shucks, i only pardon serial rapists when they’re baptists like me’ … he makes gw and dick cheney look liberal. but i kind of hope that he gets the nomination because he’ll be so easy to beat. america, as insane as it is, just isn’t ready for a president who is even more incompetent than gw and who helped pardon a rapist who went on to kill people after being released from prison. at least i hope that america isn’t ready for such a president.

john mccain. you know, every time i see john mccain on the daily show i like him. he’s smart and funny and experienced. i probably woudn’t vote for him(as he’s an anti-choice republican, etc), but he seems like the best of the gop candidates in terms of experience and perspective and intellect. if i were a republican in iowa or new hampshire he’d get my vote.

Read the full candidate capsules here. Now you are informed! Hit that booth.