Two of our writers decided to write reviews of every movie opening this weekend. Unfortunately, since they had no access to advance screenings (forgot to RSVP!), they were forced to base their reviews on titles alone.
WENDY: I’m guessing this is a movie about a guy named Paul, probably played by Adam Sandler. He works as a baker in a donut shop and it’s boring, and his wife Paula hates him and spends all her time staring out the window at their neighbor Rick. Paul and his wife Paula get into an argument during a thunderstorm, and Paul flees to his donut shop where he falls asleep in a vat of donut dough. As he sleeps, the shop is struck by lightning, and Paul wakes up and discovers that anything he bakes turns real. So he bakes himself a sexy new girlfriend, some cool buddies, a motorcycle, some neat jeans and a million dollar bill. But then he goes mad with power and bakes himself a bunch of weapons and a rocket ship and a polar bear who obeys his commands and bites Rick, and everyone’s like, “Hey, Paul, chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllll out.” I loved it. Lizzie?
LIZZIE: Hmm, I’m pretty sure this is a movie about a woman named Paula who wants to become a journalist at her high school, but she’s cursed with a pretty face and a killer bod. So in order to be taken seriously, she goes undercover as a boy named “Paul” at a rival high school. In the end, she is forced to show her boobs at the new school’s prom in order to prove her womanhood. Unfortunately, that is why my mom won’t let me see it.
Verdict: Boobs are gross. B-
WENDY: I think this movie might be about math. Like about the concept of limits? The guy from The Hangover is in this, so at the end, he’s like, “I know what the limit is! It’s on the roof!” Two thumbs up from me. Liz?
LIZZIE: You are half right Wendy, this movie is actually about a man who refuses to drive the speed limit. It was originally titled “Too Fast, Too Furious, Too Limitless” and it stars Paul Walker as Bradley Copper.
Verdict: I’ve never had so much fun at the movies. A+
THE LINCOLN LAWYER
WENDY: Abraham Lincoln falls asleep in a lawyer shop and when he wakes up, he can turn any baked good into a lawyer, right? Love it.
LIZZIE: Actually Wendy, the Lincoln Lawyer is about a lawyer that drives a Lincoln. He’s an elderly lawyer, but he’s still out there doing his thang!
Verdict: Completely inspiring. D
WENDY: At first I thought it was called “Dessert Flower,” and I was like, “Yum, I love dessert!” But no, it’s “Desert Flower.” Check please!
LIZZIE: This movie is about cacti. That’s right, ANOTHER movie about cacti. While it’s a much better story than, “The Kids are All Cactus” it still felt very familiar. Worth seeing for Cate Blanchett’s performance as a succulent/lesbian.
Verdict: Pleasantly surprised. C+
THE MUSIC NEVER STOPPED
WENDY: More like The Movie Never Stopped, right?
LIZZIE: Another great soundtrack from Zach Braff!
Verdict: Did you know that Zach Braff picked out all the music for the Garden State soundtrack? Sigh (stares longingly at a framed picture of Zach Braff). A-
WENDY: A sensitive and moving portrait of a small town wrestling coach who saves the soul of an abandoned teenager and along the way saves himself. Or something. Boo.
LIZZIE: Did you guys know that Zach Braff went to college with the Cary Brothers and Joshua Radin?
Verdict: Oh, yeah. The movie was fine. F