The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Ultraviolet

What is it about Milla Jovovich and the end of the world? I mean, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for having the zombie virus either, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, but she really has quite a streak of saving us all from total annihilation. The fact of the matter is if anyone’s going to save us from zombies or vampires or Gary Oldman it seems like that person is going to look more like Paul Giamatti, and be way more versed in the production of vaccines and international diplomacy than, say, gun kata. But I hope Hollywood’s right. I hope Milla Jovovich does ride her motorcycle to the rescue. Although, if the world in peril looks anything like the world in Ultraviolet, she needn’t bother. Let us die.

Set in some distant future where the world has become dominated by a tyrannical leader and a tyrannical use of Photoshop’s blur tool, humans have been devastated by the hemophage virus. It makes its victims super strong and super sensitive to light and sound, and it also gives them long teeth like vampires, and shortens their life span to 12 years from the point of infection. Ultraviolet is a hemophage vampire who poses as a courier to steal a secret weapon from the arch-ministry that’s supposed to kill all the hemophages. She and the rest of the hemophage rebel alliance want to destroy the weapon because they don’t want to get killed by it. Everyone is like “whatever you do, don’t open the case,” but it’s weird because then Ultraviolet opens the case. Inside the case is a little boy. It’s a boy and a weapon, says the hemophage leader who is also the worst actor. But Ultraviolet is like “no way, I love this little boy,” and she kidnaps the boy and then she’s on the run from everyone because also the arch-ministry or whatever wants it back. Meanwhile it turns out that the boy isn’t a weapon against the hemophages, but actually a weapon against the humans! He’s also a cloned version of the prime minister of Futureopolis! And he’s boring! Finally after a million chases, the boy dies, but also isn’t dead, and Ultraviolet has to fight the final boss in a fire swords fight and get the boy back and maybe the boy is a cure for the hemophages, and Ultraviolet may or may not be dead, but the one thing that’s for certain is that in the future an hour and a half will feel like 10 hours.

As someone who likes apocalyptic science fiction and fight scenes, this movie should have been appealing to me. The problem is that the fight scenes are half-hearted and the apocalyptic science fiction has the depth and imagination of a Nissan commercial. Actually, the whole thing has the depth and imagination of a Nissan commercial. We vacillate between a Nissan commercial that features fighting, and a Nissan commercial that features terrible acting.

“Hey, what are you doing? Hey! Hey, you should jump off of this Adobe Illustrated ledge so that the movie ends!” My favorite part in all of Ultraviolet occurs at :26 of this clip when the camera goes in her ear and comes out a gun. Classic transition. It really gives the viewer the sense that the director has no idea what the fuck he’s doing.

Now, everyone knows that I think Fighting 50 Dudes should be an Olympic sport, but how many fights with 50 dudes in a circle can this movie have? The answer is 6. This movie can have 6 fights in a circle.

That is too many fights in a circle.

The thing with an apocalyptic science fiction movie is that before you can get into the convoluted details of your mind-blowing plot, you have to set up a believable world, and the problem with that is that the smallest details can sink you really quickly. For example, I’m being asked to believe that humans have evolved to a point where clothes can change color on a whim, we can bend the space-time continuum to hide swords in other dimensions, and English has been supplanted by a squiggle language…

But that skinheads still dress the same way they did in the ’50s?

And that in the future, coffee mug technology will have regressed so as to make the coffee drinking experience as unpleasant as possible?

Unbearable coffee mugs aside, Ultraviolet is a terrible movie mostly because, to paraphrase things I have already pointed out, it seems like the guy who invented Photoshop fucked a Zima commercial on sheets made out of the comic book a 14-year-old drew during a third period Health class he didn’t do the homework assignment for. The end.

Next week: Boondock Saints. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.