Who Has The Worst Accent On True Blood?

I still don’t quite know what to make of the whole True Blood thing. On the one hand, its heavy handed yet somehow also very thin metaphor of Vampire as Other became truly unbearable this week not only in the ridiculous argument between Bill and Jason over whether Vampires deserve equal rights under the law, but in a shot I had not noticed last week during the opening montage of a sign that said “God Hates Fangs.” Yikes. I’m going to have to send the producers of True Blood a medical bill for all this BEATING OVER THE HEAD I’m taking. Get it? Do you get it? (That’s me impersonating Alan Ball if Alan Ball had made the medical bill joke.)

At the same time, it’s not unwatchable. Sure, it’s slow and plodding most of the time, and almost all of the humor falls flat, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW IF SOMEONE’S ABOUT TO GET TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE. It doesn’t seem like that could be enough to carry a whole show, but sometimes that’s enough to carry a whole show.

So, it continues to be both terrible and mildly entertaining. Classic Alan Ball. There’s one thing that I do know for sure, though, and that’s that everyone on True Blood speaks with an unbearable accent. The only thing I’m unsure of is exactly who is the worst.

Is it Andy Bellefleur?

That’s not very good! But the actor, Chris Bauer, played Frank Sobotka, so he gets a pass on this one. At some point, all these Wire guys aren’t going to get free passes anymore (I’m looking at you, Tristan Wilds on the new 90210. I’m looking at you so much!) But it’s not this point.

How about Dawn Green?

I just looked at Lynn Collins’s IMDB page, and she has had such a rough string of projects, including The Number 23, 13 Going on 30, 50 First Dates, and The Lake House, that her accent in True Blood is really the last thing to complain about.

Sam Merlotte, owner of Merlotte’s?

This would be a lot worse if you couldn’t compare it, as I am about to compare it, to Tara Thornton’s accent.

She is really the worst. Every time she starts talking I feel like I’m watching a MadTV sketch about a really rude person. When your southern accent is less convincing than the entire cast of Talladega Nights, you need to go back to Accent School and start all over again. Like the Billy Madison of accents.

Nevertheless, even if it is only for the amount of time she spends on the screen, the worst accent on the show, hands down, goes to Sookie Stackhouse.

The winner for Best Accent, or as this competition would have it, “least loser,” is Ryan Kwanten in the role of Jason Stackhouse. His accent is cheesy good ol’ boy 101, and yet it somehow is one of the least egregious performances in the whole show. Also he’s from Australia, so he’s basically the Stringer Bell of True Blood.