NYC Prep is supposed to be real life Gossip Girl. Well, it's not. The thing about selfish, self-involved, back-stabbing, over-indulged high school students who live to fuck and spend their parents money is that without a bunch of completely unrealistic melodramatic plotlines involving murder, multi-billion dollar corporations, Thai hoookers, and negligent father lead singers of forgotten rock bands of the 1990s, they are boring! Within the first five minutes of this show, you already get it. These children are confused monsters destined for a life of pampered disappointment and lavish self-loathing. Their parents have failed them for their entire lives, culminating in this one epic moment of parental FAIL: signing whatever legal waivers were required to allow their children to flaunt their awfulness on a national TV program. They're all yours, Warden.
But here we are. And The Real Housewives of Atlanta season 2 doesn't start until July 30th, and Lost doesn't return until 2010, and what are we going to watch, fucking Wipe Out? No, we are not going to watch fucking Wipe Out.
Obviously, this show is about children, which makes it particularly painful to watch, if you watch TV the way that I do, with lots of yelling and throwing and insulting. After all, as horrible as the people on this show are, and they are very very horrible, they're tiny people who don't know anything. They think they know stuff, because they've had three years of expensive high school, or whatever, but they don't know anything, because they are little babies. And it doesn't feel good to just shit all over little babies. That's what she said. But whatever, these kids want this. So while still trying to maintain our dignity and self-respect as conscientious adults, let's give it to them.
But so, OK, first of all, let's just get this out of the way:
Whoops, that clip got cut off too early. Here's the part that's missing.
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I'm not saying that I want a 17-year-old girl to get hit by a car. That's terrible. I'm not a monster. I'm just saying that a 17-year-old should be careful walking into the street because some people who watch this show might not be as understanding as I am.
Anyway, this Jessie is a real character. When she's not busy trying to hail a cab with all these Gossip Girl trailers in the way and eating at STK, she's busy being a real asshole. She owns Mean Girls on Blu Ray. Daddy bought it for her. She loves to go to fashion parties and she wants to work in PR. Sure. What child of incredibly wealthy parents when faced with the entire spectrum of opportunities doesn't want to go into PR?! What a waste. Meanwhile, she is obsessed with her ex-boyfriend slash best friend PC, who is an equally practiced blowhard. He's kind of the Chuck Bass of this show, if Chuck Bass was gay but didn't realize it yet (very possible!). He wears ascots and talks about the Hamptons and wears money-scented cologne. Later, he and Jessie get in a fight. Who cares!
I can't tell you how long its been since the petty troubles of high schoolers stopped being of any interest to me. Oh wait, yes I can: one thousand years ago.
Everyone knows that PC is gay except for PC. Which I guess is how it often works? I don't know, I went to public school so I don't know anything. But listen to how many times this girl tries to gracefully explain what is going on with PC.
Yes, he is "very stylish," and yes, it is Jessie's problem.
I think that's the girl who interviews at the beginning of the episode that she used to live in the Hamptons but then she decided to move back to the city. She decided? What kind of nonsense is that? Her and her brother live in some fancy Manhattan apartment while their parents live in the Hamptons. Stop the presses, I think we have our cover story for the July issue of Negligent Parent Magazine. Seriously, how are those parents not in jail? Why are none of these parents in jail? Even Nate Archibald's dad is in jail, and that show is make believe. THIS BOAT IS REALLLL!
And then, of course, there is Sebastian, who thinks that girlfriends are for when you're really old. Like 25.
He is also supposed to be the Chuck Bass of this show, if Chuck Bass looked like a lesbian (actually, Chuck Bass kind of looks like a lesbian). (SIDENOTE: Where is the Dan Humphrey of this show? But also thank you, producers, for not putting a Dan Humphrey on this show.) It's particularly painful to watch Sebastian because one assumes that his parents are still alive. You guys did such a bad job! Or maybe they aren't. Maybe he's like a sexual Boxcar Child, turning anything into a hook up. This old Coke bottle can be a hook up. Look, I've used these cinder blocks and discarded wood planks to build a sex shelf. The guy is a monster. And he stole Morpheus's chair.
"We're gonna need UGHS. Lots of UGHS."
Sebastian is mostly the worst, but so is everyone on this show. Wicked animals in a glass menagerie of their own design. It's sad and discouraging and insipid. The opposite of xoxo. The opposite of you know you love it.
NOTE: we are having some video problems. But you can watch the whole episode here.
