The chefs arrive in New Orleans for the big finale. Hosea is kicking himself that he hasn't been to New Orleans before. Sure. If I was going to be on this show, I would go to every city on the planet first, JUST TO BE SURE. No surprises. Fabio is kicking himself that he didn't think to match his pink scarf with a mohawk sooner. Killer look, Fabio. The only thing it's missing is one of those weird colorful European backpacks that everyone in Europe has that look like shit, because he looks a little silly is what I'm saying. Stefan looks like he's taken the time off between shooting to eat all the sandwiches. Or maybe not all of the sandwiches, but a lot of the sandwiches. And Carla cleans up great. Well done, Carla. It's that old model instinct. It's like muscle memory but for putting together a decent outfit and having a sharp haircut. As they wait for the cab, Stefan asks Hosea if he's learned how to cook. ZING. Let he who is without ZINGS cast the first ZING, or whatever.LET'S GET READY TO FINALEEEEEEE.
As the cab takes them to Houma's House, whatever that is, Carla interviews that New Orleans is a great place to have the finale because there is so much culture there. "Not only do you have the European influence, the African-American influence, Indian influence, you have all these different cultures coming together." Excuse me? I think you're missing one? VAMPIRE INFLUENCE? There's definitely some major vampire influence down there. Pay attention. I don't come down to your work and slap the willing adolescent girl's pulsing neck out of your mouth. Oh wait, yes I do. I totally come down to your work and do that.
The guest judge for the Quickfire is Emeril Lagasse. Insert BAM joke. Insert Kick It Up A Notch joke. He looks like Tony Soprano's twin. Not identical twin, but like if the two fetuses were fused in the womb, and Emeril Lagasse was the twin absorbed into Tony Soprano's skull, so that there was just some slicked back hair, a silk shirt, and some teeth. There are only three tables/stations for the Quickfire. Oh no! What does this mean?! What it means is that three of the former contestants, Jeff, Leah, and Jamie, have been brought back for a second chance. Whoever wins the Quickfire will compete in the Elimination Challenge. OH ZAP. Leah says that she was angry and resentful that she got sent home, so she is glad to be back. Yes. I am also angry and resentful when something I am not that good at is broadcast on national television letting everyone know I'm not that good at it. Hosea says that it's "interesting" to have Leah back. I think that's code for boner. Hosea popped an interesting. Jeff says that he "obviously deserves" a second chance, which only even makes sense now that there is such a thing as a second chance, because up until five minutes ago when the producers invented this new twist there was no second chance to obviously deserve. More like, "I am a member of the cast and therefore eligible to be part of this new twist that the producers created in a late night idea jam session to try and keep the show fresh and relevant a second chance."
The Quickfire Challenge is to create something with crawfish, and everyone really brings their A-game (that means their best game). Seriously, everything looks really delicious, you guys, and Jamie doesn't even cook scallops. More importantly, CARLA WEARS TRANSITIONS. You know Transitions? Those types of lenses for your glasses that turn into sunglasses on their own? That is funny to me. Transitions are always funny to me. It's more physical comedy, I guess.
Jeff wins the Quickfire challenge. By again, Leah. Bye again, Jamie. This means that he will be in the Elimination Challenge, but he has to WIN the Elimination Challenge to move on to the second part of the finale, also known as the actual finale. Enough with this Finale, Part One, Bravo. Words have meanings. Use them. Emeril has a special prize for Jeff, which is...wait for it...wait for it...never stop waiting for it...a copy of his new book. These guest judges are just founts of generosity. "When the producers asked me to come on this show I refused, but then I realized I was being selfish." It's Top Chef, not Top Promote Everyone's Book And Also Glad And Korbel And Calphalon And Toyota Products. Oh wait.
That night they eat dinner at Emeril's restaurant. Carla says "another Top Chef is right here." Powerful. Although, she could have said that every episode, basically. I'm quite confident that whoever wins this thing will have been one of the contestants. Hosea explains he "didn't enter this to see who [he'd] meet, or what chefs would be here. [He] entered it because he wanted to see if he could win it." HOSEA DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. Seriously, though, Hosea, you didn't come here to make friends. Just say that. It's called reality TV. There are rules here.
For the Elimination Challenge, the contestants arrive at a storage facility for the Mardi Gras Parade floats. I hope that the challenge is to get the most beads by cooking their tits. (?) No. The chefs each have to prepare two dishes and a cocktail for a costume party, with one dish being in the Creole style. "Oh," Padma says, "and we have one more incentive." A car pulls up. Whoa. Whoever loses will get run over by this car! COOK FASTER! I am just kidding, you guys. No one is going to get run over by a car. Someone is going to win a car. This show is backwards.
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The real surprise is that the guest judge at the elimination challenge is GAIL SIMMONS! It looks like Toby Young something something overheated metaphor that doesn't actually make sense and is painfully unfunny. The masks at the costumed ball remind Fabio of an old porno. So, that's something we learn: Italy makes weird porno. Although, to be fair, Padma does look like she's ready to go to an Eyes Wide Shut party. But I think that's less the mask and more the fact that I think Padma goes to Eyes Wide Shut parties.
At this point in the competition, everyone is so talented that most of their cooking is pretty close to flawless. The negative comments that some of the chefs get are about how much heart is in the food, or if the cocktail is a little too sweet. This is high-caliber criticism. Jeff and Carla are doing great, and so is Hosea. Which leaves Stefan and Fabio in the bottom two. OH NOES. Team-a Europe! Hosea points out that Stefan's achille's heel is that he thinks he has this thing in the bag. So if Hosea can just shoot an arrow through Stefan's arrogance...no, I'm lost. Hosea's achille's heel is not being as good a chef as Stefan. Carla wins.
That means that Jeff, although being one of the best tonight, has to go home. Those are the just made up five hours ago rules. Which means that only one of Team Europe will go home. BUT WHICH ONE? It's like Sophie's Choice. In that it involves a choice and it has something to do with Europe. Stefan says that he doesn't stress anymore, because he's 36 years old, and whatever happens happens. That's probably a pretty healthy attitude, but is completely at odds with the unhealthy attitude that drives one to appear on reality TV, so I call bullshit. Two attitudes enter, one attitude leaves.
Also Fabio leaves.
:(
He tells Stefan that if he doesn't win, Fabio will kick his ahss. "You no even know."
:(
:(
We have to stay a-strong, ladies. Fabio would want us to stay a-strong.
Chefs to watch: Hosea, Stefan, Carla. Get it?
