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EXCLUSIVE FIRST LOOK: Bill And Ted 3 Screenplay

Gabe Delahaye | March 6, 2012 - 12:30 pm

Party on Bill. Party on Ted. Schwing! Rumors have been circulating on the Internet for nearly a year that a third Bill and Ted movie was in progress that would star both Sad Keanu Reeves and Happy Alex Winter. And today that continues to be true with this very loosely researched confirmation that a screenplay exists via Collider:

While speaking to The Independent about his new documentary Side by Side, Reeves was asked about how the project was coming along. “Yeah, we have a script. We’re trying to put it together. It’s a good script too.” Winter confirmed the progress of the script by tweeting “Script done? Check. -We love it? Check. -Green light? Working on it!”

CHECK PLEASE! (Sorry.) Anyway, the two principal actors dropping vague references to the existence of a screenplay doesn’t mean much in this topsy turvy world. It would still be years before the movie even existed, and that’s if it gets made, which it might not. But what won’t take years is you getting a sneak peek at the script, because we have an excerpt after the jump!

EXT. DALLAS TEXAS – DAY

Bill and Ted are still dressed up as vaudeville characters from the previous scene when they kidnapped Charlie Chaplin from the 1910s for a presentation to their children’s class about What My Dad Does. They blend into a parade and casually make their way to Dealey Plaza and are about to grab President John F. Kennedy for the same presentation when two shots ring out. Panic ensues. It’s chaos in the streets. Bill and Ted duck down an alley and pause to get their breath. Both of them own elliptical trainers and stationary bikes at home, but neither uses them as much as they should.

BILL
Oh my God, Ted.

TED
The president! They shot the president!

BILL
This is madness!

TED
Is this our fault? Did we Ashton Kutcher’s Butterfly Effect this into existence?

BILL
Oh my God! Do you think we did? That would be terrib–wait. Wait, no. I remember something about this. I’ve heard about this before. It was on an episode of Quantum Leap. Phew. I think this is a well-known historical event, actually.

TED
If only we had spent more time in high school instead of doing all that time traveling, we might have been able to bone up on our history lessons a little better.

The two old friends share a light moment of laughter amid the national tragedy. This leads to a coughing fit from Bill. Ted looks nervously at his friend.

TED (CONTINUED)
I told you to get that looked at. Let’s get back to the phone booth and time travel to Sigmund Freud’s office.

BILL
Isn’t he the father of psychoanalysis? What is he going to do about my cough?

TED
We’ve got to do something!

The fatigued and perpetually aching middle-aged men give a weary high-five and pile into the phone booth and punch in the dates. It disappears into an electric time hole.

BILL AND TED
Whoaoaaaaoooooooooooaoaaao!

CUT TO:

INT. SIGMUND FREUD’S OFFICE – DAY

The phone booth lands squarely in the middle of Sigmund Freud’s office, smashing an antique chair and sending yellowing papers flying everywhere. Bill and Ted emerge with huge smiles on their faces. Sigmund Freud shits his pants in terror at the sight of these two foreign-seeming men appearing out of nowhere in his office. He begins to weep.

BILL
I’m Bill!

TED
And I’m Ted!

BILL AND TED
And we’re Bill and Ted!

TED
Sig-dude, you’ve got to help my friend here.

Although he cannot determine the source of the coughing, Sigmund Freud diagnoses Bill with lymphoma. Bill and Ted share a quiet moment together over bitter espressos on the Stephansplatz.

BILL
Jesus.

TED
I’m so sorry, Bill. Your stepmom was so hot.

BILL
What the hell does that have to do with anything?

TED
I’m just remembering things now. It’s call coming flooding back.

BILL
Sure.
(beat)
Fuck.

TED
You’re going to get through this. Pretend it’s the Battle of the Bands.

BILL
Shut the fuck up, Ted.

They sit in silence for a moment.

BILL
Well, I guess that’s just how it goes. No use crying about it. But hey, can I ask you just one favor?

TED
Anything for you, Bill. You know that.

Bill whispers something into Ted’s ear that we cannot hear.

CUT TO:

Title Card – Six Months Later

EXT. GRAVEYARD – DAY

A carpet of gray clouds sits heavy over the graveyard. Ted wears a long black trenchcoat over his mourning clothes, and stares into the cold, damp hole where his deceased friend will spend the rest of eternity. He throws a single rose into the grave, and then turns on his heel and enters the phone booth. It disappears in a shatter of electric sparks.

CUT TO:

INT. REICHSTAG – DAY

Ted approaches Hitler from behind and places a gun into the small of Hitler’s back. He leans in close and whispers in his ear.

TED
This is for my best friend, Bill S. Preston.

As Ted quietly says “Esquire,” we cut to black as a single gunshot echoes into silence.

In light of the death of George Carlin, the part of Rufus will now be played by Uggie.