Oh wow. You know, it’s one thing for Hollywood to put everyone in Narnia on rollerblades, or to rewrite the Last Starfighter as a magical X-Box 360 console in the middle of nowhere, but in general, Hollywood remakes at least LOOK like they took SOME effort. Usually one at least has the sense that your raped childhood has been laid to rest on a pile of money. WHAT IS THIS?
First of all, that tag-line is so funny. Smurfs is going to be about a Cuban immigrant who attempts to take over Miami’s cocaine industry? But, you know, for kids! So I guess it’s a Smurf immigrant who attempts to take over Smurfi’s smurfaine industmurf. They’re just trying to appeal to the parents who are going to have to buy the tickets for their children. “You know, it’s obviously for kids, but I enjoyed it too. The scene in which Angel Smurftinez is murdered in a bathtub with a chainsaw right in front of Smurfface’s eyes, I mean, that’s going to go over a kid’s head, but I definitely got it.”
But, um, WHAT IS THAT SMURF? It honestly looks like the first computer drawing ever. “It is amazing what this little machine that is only the size of two football fields can do. It took ten of our Nobel Laureate technicians 14 months to produce this, but with some luck, we might one day be able to turn American soldiers into tiny drawings. Can you imagine a bloodless war?” And other military-industrial nonsense. Seriously, though, what happened here? Someone tell me what happened here? Did someone drop their computer in the toilet? This thing looks like it was run over by the bagel truck. Unbelievable.