(Speaking of dance movies.) That’s right, you heard me, the Dirty Dancing remake. Right now, the news of this really good idea is only coming from Production Weekly, whatever that is, and through its Twitter account no less (via ComingSoon.net). Sure. Twitter has all the best scoops on the real Hollywood news. From this probably super-reliable and official Twitter:
Lionsgate is developing a remake of the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing,” from a new script by Julia Dahl.
There you go. There’s absolutely no way that you could possibly want any more confirmation than that. Anyhow, naturally one assumes that there will be some updates to the story. Like, instead of meeting at a Catskills resort, Baby and Johnny Castle will meet at a training camp for Elite United Global Forces as they prepare to join the fight against the Space Worms. And instead of a climactic scene in which they dance in front of the disapproving audience, melting their apprehensions and celebrating the wonders of movement, it will be Baby and Johnny Castle, escaping from the nuclear annihilation of the Space Worms Central Hive aboard their space hovercraft, performing a fascist victory dance.
But before we can even get to any of that, we need to determine who will play these iconic roles in the new movie:
50 Cent and Abigail Breslin
Right now, because of racism*, this pairing seems unlikely, but in the future, things will be different. (I am saying that in the future, 50 Cent and Abigail Breslin will be husband and wife.) Also, we know that Abigail Breslin can dance (Little Miss Sunshine) and we know that 50 Cent can make an entire Catskills resort uncomfortable.
Haley Joel Osment and Barbra Streisand
May-December romances are going to be so hot in space. You will see. Basically, when the transport pods are leaving our solar system, and everything that you’ve ever known is gone forever, you’re going to be much less stuck in your close-minded ideas, and you’re going to be happy to get some wherever you can. #ApocalypseFacts.
Jonah Hill and a Bag of Grapefruits
For far too long in the entertainment industry, the sexist paradigm in which a schlubby man can win the heart of a beautiful woman but an ugly woman is a figure of ridicule has been perpetuated by chauvinist idealized pairings. Let’s turn that on its head. With produce.
Paul Rudd and Megan Fox
Just kidding. This would make everyone’s genitals explode too much. The CDC is like “We declare this a health emergency.” You know how the CDC gets. Also, why are they basically in the exact same picture?
A Skexie and a Baby Panda
“Nobody puts baby panda in the corner.”
Well, this was a silly blog!
*Not because of racism.