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Forrest Gump: Disabled mama's boy embodies/spouts every smarmy platitude ever printed on a mug. Baby Boomers collectively c*m in their pants.

Forrest Gump: Disabled mama's boy embodies/spouts every smarmy platitude ever printed on a mug. Baby Boomers collectively c*m in their pants.

A great example of everything that opening credits should be. This is a show about asshats humiliating themselves, their families and everyone who knows them, and us as a society. We respond to their wretched, pitiful squeals of "Lookit me! Lookie what I can do!" by watching and paying them to keep doing it. It's all kind of sad and icky and desperate, and if anyone involved had the self-awareness of a sea-monkey they would just crumble with shame. All of this is expressed quite succinctly in these opening credits. Nice job.

Next week, they give him MDMA and he tells the viewers how he his simultaneously missing and not not thinking about Charlie.

Been Had Action.

I'm pretty sure this is a clip from Rock Of Love Bus, with the background screeching cut out.

Does Gary Busey Twitter? I would definitely turn to him in my hour of need. He wouldn't foist me off on 911, he'd save me all by himself. My dramatically staged rescue would involve Psychic Angel Messages and the yelling of really long acronyms and some sort of ceremony in which I'd be slathered with Vick's Vaporub. I bet he'd even wear a cape. Demi and her lame Emergency Services.

It IS just like I always dreamed! This video is the perfect alternative to the instantly regrettable real-life Angsty Bad-Boy Boyfriend. You get all of the incredulity, horrified delight and sense of superiority of watching this big handsome testosterone-addled toddler throw a tantrum, without having to lend him money or listen to those excruciating monologues about how he's never felt really accepted by his father. It won'tt even leave a lingering vomit-odor in your car. I pretty much love it.

Clearly, she's just in a really good place. I think it's safe to assume that once she had finished making that video, she spent the remainder of her time in that Really Good Place (approximately 6-7hrs is my guess) staring at the reflection of the profoundly beautiful miracles that are her Junior Mint sized pupils, drinking gallons of water, and eventually embarking on a 2-3hr. quest to obtain a box of Junior Mints (because mint is such a beautiful flavor and wouldn't it be amazing to have some right then) which she will not be able to eat because chewing will feel too weird. There were probably some embarrassing phone calls too. Just a guess. She is beautiful.

Clearly, Kanye IS YOUR BOYFRIEND! Which is sad for me because after reading that, I am now completely in love with him. My new dream is to see Kanye team up with Gary Busey for some kind of reality-show life-coaching gig, where they can run around dispensing wisdom and guidance...and makeovers.

She's a certified life coach and practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming? So... that's roughly 3 magic tricks and one furry hat away from being the Pick-Up Artist, right?

How is it that no one has nominated the steaming pile of cinematic wretchedness that is 1996's Before and After? Meryl Streep, Liam Neeson, same screenwriter as Silence of the Lambs, decent budget, and somehow they managed to make the Worst Movie Ever. The best thing in the whole movie is that the car, which is stuck in the snow at the scene of the murder (or is it!?!?) magically unsticks itself and makes it home with a backseat full of bloody evidence *all by itself*. And apparently this is not intended to be at all mysterious, because it is simply never mentioned. That was the *best* part.